What's with this weight?

I don't know why, but this weight coming off is soooo sloooooooooooooooooow.

I didn't lose again this week and although I feel different, it's just not showing on the scales, which is so frustrating...anyway, need to plod along until I am back from my hols and get that fill! I am desperate!

On other news, I went to see Nickelback on Friday night and it was fantastic...such a great show...and we were the last concert before they head to Mexico for a 2 month holiday...wish I was going with them.....

I have to admit, being 28kg's lighter I had no problems standing around for the whole concert and no real drama's with my back...the few concerts I have been to in the last year or so were murder on the old feet....so a small NSV...yay!

My dad is home now and slowly recovering....it was his birthday on Friday (first day home) and miserable...he will be at home for the next 4-6 weeks on a walking frame....he just LOVES that....(*note sarcasm in those words*), he must be so bored because he is already talking about hotrodding it up with new bigger wheels and such....poor guy :) but at least he is home and as he says the food is better (and that is saying something about Mum's cooking) bahahaha! :)

Got into the office this morning to discover that we had no power in the building (no notice to the tenants, even though the electricty company had notified the building on the 26 January (the notice on the elevator was dated), yet building management told us it was an emergency shutdown? Nine days notice was given, so don't ask me how that is an "emergency" with no time to notify? Anyway, being on the disaster recovery team, I rang my boss and we sent a message to everyone to say not come in until 10.30am...what to do for the next 3 hours? I headed off to the gym and had a great workout...perfect time in the day too. No one was there because they had all headed to work already....wish I could workout everyday at this time....

So today has been absolutely crazy as we lost over 4 hours of time.......lunchtime came around and I realised I hadn't even eaten breakfast. So I had my lunch and then had a couple of prunes, then I got the munchies, so more prunes......ummm I don't think this was a good idea....the pain in my belly is sending signals that all is not good (well actually it will be great for the bowels, but the pain oh my!) I am actually scared for the drive home, the car is stocked up on ziplocs bags for PB episodes in the car but I think this is not something you can prepare for in an emergency.....wish me luck :)....

Dusting off the grumps

I know that my last few posts have been a little on the down side and that I am a just a little ho hum at the moment...I don't really like being like this, I try not to show how down I am, but this blog is about honesty and accountability and I really need the shoulders of you girls (and guys) to cry on every now and again. So thanks for all your comments and encouragement, it means a lot.

At the moment, I just feel that at every corner, every little ray of hope, every glimmer of success that things are starting to get back to normal, I get knocked back down. This hasn't even got anything to do with weight loss or non-scale victories and it's an overall bundle of things. Each specific thing is OK, can be dealt with on a one to one basis, but when it happens all within 3 days all at once it's tough to handle.

My week has been so CRAP to say the least and there have been a number of incidents that are making me feel so emotionally stressed and very hurt and upset that I nearly packed it all in and was ready to leave Dubai THIS WEEK! But you know what (apart from financially not able to leave (unless I do a runner which I would never do)).....I will not let certain people and situations drag me down, make me feel like I am worthless and that I am in the wrong (when I know 100% I am not!). Anyway, I know this week isn't going to be any better, in fact I think it is going to get worse....it seems everybody's mood this week is negative....is something going on with the moon and affecting everyone?

I got into work this morning and read Amy W.'s post, and I want to thank you, your little inspirational post has helped me dust off the grumps, pull my socks up and face the world head on, face the crap and deal with it as unemotionally as possible (even though in private I am a mess about it all). It has made me aware that certain people are just not who I thought they were and although friendships and relationships will never be the same, I still need to deal with these people regularly.

On other news, my Dad is doing well. He had a few bad days following surgery but the doctor seems very happy with the surgery and he is on track to recovery...Dad seems to think that he will be all good in a week, but he needs to realise that it may take a few months. Poor mum is exhausted.....

My back is on the mend slowly. I have a few more sessions with the Osteo and I am taking things very easy with the Enforcer, not doing anything strenous on the lower back. Just enough exercise to feel better and destress....my poor personal trainer was a sounding board last night too!

So looking forward to the weekend. I going to see Nickelback on Friday night and I am super excited about it (the light at the end of a crappy tunnel).

Another week down

After I left you guys with my last post, I have dusted myself off and got back on track. I really was tormenting myself with those past feelings. Feelings that I never wanted to feel again, and I still can't work out why I was having them.

I weighed in on Friday and lost 800g, the weight is still really slow, but it's a loss and hopefully get the next 2kg's off before my trip (which is another goal I set myself). I can do this! I am worth something, I do deserve the best life can offer and I do love myself....(gotta love yourself first before anyone else can right?).

Anyway, although my back is still not great, I decided to do a light workout with the Enforcer on Friday. Nothing over the top and definitely nothing that worked the lower back or abs region. I felt a little better afterwards...then a friend and I went to lunch at The China Club for a 95 Dirham (about $20) all you can eat dim sum...Yum, but I was surprised about how much I could put away but nothing to terrible...I really need a fill (but am waiting until I get back from India). I went home that night and drank a half bottle of red...for medicinal purposes only :)

[Updated: 2 hours later...I forgot to also mention something really good actually happened over the weekend. I went to the movies with a friend and afterwards decided to do some shopping...I really don't want to buy many clothes but I am sort of in between my sizes at the moment, most stuff is either far to big or just a little tight. Anyways I found 2 tops in H&M and I picked up the 3XL and thought that looks a little to big...I will try on a 2XL what the hell!....it was to big.....I ended up buying it in an XL...OK it is a "plus size" XL but I was into a 4XL just before surgery! Woot Woot....it is an olive green top with a thick band around the hips, and looks so nice. I also got another top in a 2XL (it's a little more fitted) in a smoky charcoal and has cute ruched elbow length sleeves. I was stoked!]

I have been stressed over the weekend too, which hasn't helped everything that has been going on emotionally and have been mindful of my back and jaw (remember my jaw is out of alignment because of stress). My dad had to have a very serious back operation on Friday and because I cannot be there I am finding it hard to cope with. I just want to be with him and mum through this. I just spoke with mum and he is not having a good day today. Very distressed and in pain. Having problems with the catheter (keeps falling out) and he has pain down his legs, which is not a good sign (the operation was supposed to stop that instantly). He had fusion in 3 vertabrae (his coxyx and 2 vertabrae above that AND they also had to relieve pressure in 2 discs where it was pressing on his spinal cord and causing him no end of trouble....a very risky operation and we are not sure of what the outcome will be yet. I am very worried and I get very teary. I know he will be OK, but it's because I can't be there (even to support mum through this). Anyways......

Well its the first day back for the week and I feel like I haven't had a weekend (don't you hate that!) Some things are happening today that are going to change things and I am sad about it....but more on that later....

Hope you all have a good weekend. xx

Easy on the Quesy

I felt so nauseated yesterday morning when I woke up, I thought I was super hungry...so when I got to work I had an egg, 1 small piece of ham and a spoonful of low fat ricotta cheese...it made me feel worse! All morning I was battling this quesiness in my tummy, wondering if I was going to hurl (I am sure people at work already think I am bulimic, because I have been PB'ing in the bathroom and got caught a few times). PBing is a private thing when no one knows you are banded, and I don't want to explain it to anybody! However, yesterday I was ready to throw up right in my waste bin at my desk.....classy!

Lunch time came around and I felt like some noodle soup would help. So ordered that and stir fried mix vegie (trying to get some more veg into the diet)....I actually wanted the soupbase more than the noodles. So I decided to give the soup a go and I actually started to feel better..... .......for about 30 minutes....then it was back to the quesiness.

When I got home last night I was actually feeling hungry and not so quesy anymore. So I ate the vegies and they were good and PB'd the lot (definitely not vomiting).

A bit later I decided I wanted a piece of chocolate (I usually don't eat chocolate, I can go months without it) I ended up having the whole block of Lindt Mint chocolate,...PB'd the lot.....I felt so awful that I had forced this into my body and then PB on it.....

The worst thing........I actually had the feelings that I used to have after a binge. The degrading, self hate, the doubt, the feelings of failure, the critical self analysis of the body. Why? I have no idea and in reality I didn't really binge. I had just over a cup of vegetables and a block of chocolate, which I PB'd because it was to much for the pouch or I didn't chew it enough....but it is the emotional stigma that is attached to a binge...and I am really not sure why I felt that.

I cannot remember the last time I had these feelings about myself....at least 3 years. I had overeaten in this time, but certainly not binged ....I remember in my late teens, early twenties, when my binge eating was the worst, that I couldn't have even told you what I had put into my mouth that the emotional stress on my body was at danger point. Yet to have these feelings again as my head hung over the toilet bowl was just horrendous. I will never be that person again, I know that. I knew that before I even decided to get the band, so why last night did this happen?

I need to move on today and accept that it wasn't a binge, that my body was obviously craving something and to continue to love myself. But I will never forget the past and the feelings associated with it. At least I can recognise those feelings now, but obviously my emotional state still needs some tender loving care......

Update on last weeks stats

Seeing I don't have a computer at my disposal (except at work) I couldn't post my stats last week, but here they are.

Stats are:

Neck - .5cm
Bust - 3cm
Hips - 1cm
Waist - 1cm
Thighs - 2cm (1 on each)
Calves - 2cm (1.5 on on and .5 on the other, lopsidded?)
Arms - 2cm

Total lost: 11.5cm
Grand Total overall: 98.5cm

So even though the scales are slow going down the measurements aren't!

Happy Australia Day!

It's Australia Day today in Oz. A day of celebration.

To all my aussie blogger friends I hope you are all celebrating in true aussie style...weather it be with family or friends, a barbie and a icy beer or wine, at the beach or going to watch the fireworks or even munching down on a lamington (you gotta treat ya self sometimes)!

Aussie Aussie Aussie oi oi oi!!!!

I am celebrating by going to work, maybe going to a beach bar after work, where Mark Gamble of the Choirboys is playing a set....and drink a cold one with all the other Aussie expats living here....showing our Patriotism.

Recipe: Diet Coke Chicken

In search of crockpot recipes and something that was comfort food, I decided to give this recipe a go in the crockpot and it turned out delicious and it is so simple to throw together.


Ingredients:

1kg of chicken pieces (I used only drumsticks)
1 cup tomato sauce (ketchup for my US friends)
1 can of diet coke (I used 1 can of Pepsi Max)
1 large onion, sliced

Method:

Brown onions off slightly in a large frying pan. Remove from pan and place in crock pot.

Brown chicken pieces in same pan. Add to crock pot
Add tomato sauce and can of diet coke to crock pot. Stir together and slow cook on low for 6-8 hours or on high for 3-4.

Chicken will be super tender soft and sauce will be sweet and sticky. If you find the sauce is still to liquidy, you can remove the chicken and cook the sauce further until thick.

I served it with some mash potatoes and steam mix vegie, but would be good over rice too (if you can eat it).

Questions and Answers again!

1. What time did you get up this morning? Sunday morning is the first day of the week, so 6.30am (but hit the snooze a couple of times, so closer to 6.50am).

2. How do you like your steak? Definitely medium rare.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Princes and the Frog on Friday

4. What is your favorite TV show? I have a quite a few - Bones, Grey's Anatomy, Friends, am addicted to Lost at the moment.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Somewhere in South East Asia for a chillout lifestyle.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Low fat ricotta on a Wasa cracker and 1 small pork meatball (oohhh eating pork in the office I feel so naughty)

7. What is your favorite cuisine? any type of Asian - all of it, Thai, Vietnamese, Malaysian, Chinese.

8. What foods do you dislike? Chocolate mousse...(but there is a long story behind it), but I think I like most food (hence the reason for the band :) )

9. Favorite place to eat? Anywhere that serves good decent food, even good fish and chips on the beach is perfect.

10. Favorite dressing? Balsamic vinegar

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Black Pegeout 206

12. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans and a sassy top and in winter I love a skirt with knee high boots.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Definitely Home!!! But other places China, Mongolia, South America, Antartica.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Mostly 1/2 full.

15. Where would you want to retire? See number 5.

16. Favorite time of day? Home time after a long day at work(actually every day).

17. Where were you born? Sydney, Australia

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Olympics or AFL (Australia Football League).

19. Bird watcher? Not really.

20. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning person mostly.

21. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I am off to India in 3 weeks and I have also decided to go home this year at some point (for good).

22. What did you want to be when you were little? I always wanted to be in the Army...true...... or a school teacher.

23. What is your best childhood memory? There are a number of them, but the one that sticks out the most is when my Grandma took me to Disneyland and Hawaii when I was 8 and the start of the travel bug.

24. Are you a cat or dog person? Puppy dogs!

25. Are you married? No.

26. Always wear your seat belt? Always! and am amazed at how many don't wear them in Dubai (where accidents are very very nasty)

27. Been in a car accident? A couple. One when I was about 11 on Christmas Eve, my whole family were driving down to the beach and a drunk driver t-boned us. We were all OK, just very shaken. The worst one was a little under 2 years ago here in Dubai, small accident, very bad injuries....worst and lowest time of my life!

28. Any pet peeves? People who are forever late.

29. Favorite Pizza Toppings? prawn and garlic or an aussi pizza (bacon and egg).

30. Favorite Flower? Sunflowers or gerbera's!

31. Favorite ice cream? Hokey Pokey or Chocolate chip cookie dough, but any will do. I love ice cream

32. Favorite fast food restaurant? If it's fresh, KFC (for the spicy chicken), but I tend not to eat fast food.

33. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Once on the theory.

34. From whom did you get your last email? My boss.

35. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Does it only have to be one store?.

36. Do anything spontaneous lately? Yeah, booked a trip to China and now need to cancel it (and lose my deposit!).

37. Broccoli? Yummy.

38. What was your favorite vacation? Out of the 49 countries I have visited or lived, that is to difficult, but the ones up there are an African Safari and Cambodia.

39. Last person you went out to dinner with? My friend Danielle.

40. What are you listening to right now? the hum of the office.

41. What is your favorite color? Black and/or Red.

42. How many tattoos do you have? 2

43. Coffee drinker? More of a tea drinker, but occassionally a good skim latte does not go amiss.

A small win on the scales, a movie and a broken laptop

As I have blogged previously, my weight had stalled over the past 3 weeks and I was becoming quite frustrated with it.

Friday was weigh in day and I lost 400grams...not much, but a lose and I will take it. My measurements however, were very good over the last month...11.5cm's lost overall bringing me to a total of 98.5cm lost over the whole body. I will post the actual measurements tomorrow, because I didn't bring my little pink book with me today (my pink book is where I right down my weightloss and measurements, my goals and my wishlist, etc....

My laptop died over the weekend, so I am without communication 24/7 for the next 2 weeks (this is both good and bad). Bad, because I cannot blog or facebook as much as I would if I had it, Good, because it gives me a break from facebook, which I was becoming addicted. I have access to the net at work, but obviously don't blog and facebook much. It's Sunday morning here and the office is just starting come alive, I am sitting here sipping my tea and blogging before it gets busy (remember Sunday is the first day of the week here (just like your Monday mornings and Thursday night is like your Friday night (end of the week)....I still get confused sometimes and still say Monday morning....anyway I digress.

I had to cancel a personal training session with the Enforcer on Friday because of my back, no hard training, just light cardio for this little duck at the moment.
On Friday morning after dropping my laptop off to the doctor's, I went to see The Princess and the Frog (on a whim as I was walking past the cinemas). It was an 11am session, I went by myself, sat in the dark, ate a small popcorn, YES, a whole small popcorn, not sure how it all got down, but had no problems and washed it down with a small diet coke......but I enjoyed it...the movie and the treat! When I got home my back started playing up and I had quite a bit of pain over the rest of the weekend so I really rested up and didn't do anything...except catching up on Lost (I am now half way through season 4). Of course, I ate out of boredom too, so am back on track today.

I am seeing the Osteo again tonight, and hopefully he will actually do some adjustments after looking at my x-rays of my "broken" back and hopefully get my jaw back into alignment.

Anyway, hope everyone is enjoying their weekends and I will be back later in the week and hopefully on a more positive note!

Dicky back and Popped Jaw!

Not sure if I have mentioned it but the past 2 weeks my back has been a little dicky. Not aching constantly, but spasming every now and again. It catches me unawares especially if I bend the wrong way or twist suddenly, similar to like a pinched nerve.

Also, my jaw has seemed wonky and giving me pain, it sort of pops. So I decided that I needed to go see an osteopath, in which I needed a referral from my GP. He wanted to send me for an MRI and give me pain killers, but I know all they would find is that I have 3 fractures in my spine.......I already know that! But he was happy to give me the referral none the less...I have a long long history with my back and osteopaths.

So tonight I went to see the Osteo. He hasn't seen me for 2 years (2 months before my car accident) and boy was he surprised to hear about all my injuries and dramas going on. He was also very impressed with my weight loss (I told him of the band).

Anyway, it turns out that I have done something to the something in my very lower back, more my bum and the muscles are contracting around the ligaments to compensate. So he thinks he can fix it in 3-4 sessions (but no adjustment yet because he really wants to see my xrays of my spine). As for the jaw, it seems that it is really wonky and that he thinks could take up to 10 sessions to fix. He also seems to think it is from stress, but I don't think I have been under that much stress lately. Have I?

Unfortunately I am not allowed to exercise much. Only light cardio, but no personal training, weights, abs, etc....boo hoo! After the week I am having, the plateau, 3 doctors appointments in 4 nights, now I can't exercise....

Those scales better bloody move on Friday! Maybe that is what is stressing me?

Didn't get a fill afterall!

As my earlier post today stated, I was getting a fill... turns out my doc wouldn't give me one. We had a good chat about everything ending in me tearing up and getting emotional...but he talked me all through it and he wants to see me in 10 days to see if there is any change.. if not, he will make sure everything is okay with Kiki and give me a small fill...if I move off the plateau we will rethink a plan.

He seems to think that because I still have a long way to go, he would like me to try and not "rely" on the fills all the time, because it will give him so room to move (ie fills) further down the track. Fair enough, but I wanted a fill today!

He assured me that most people do go through this and that I am on track, even though I don't feel like I am. So over the next week or so I am going back to basics and monitoring my food intake, stopping when I start to feel full and no snacking between meals...you all know the drill! So a bit of willpower will need to come into play.

He did mention that he is putting a team together for the whole lapband thing including nutrionists and even fitness....it's exactly what is needed here in the UAE. Hopefully a support group will be starting up very soon too....which I desperately have been trying him to start since I was banded! So that is good news...

I am getting a fill!

I give up! I have just realised that I have lost 2 kilos in the past nearly 7 weeks and really been struggling with weight the past 2.5 weeks....I had been trying to get by, but I am just able to eat far to much (and snacking in between) so I just rang to make an appointment to see my Dr for a fill and he can see me tonight!!!!!

I was trying to hold off until I got back from India (leaving in 4 weeks) and financially needed to wait, but I just can't, so it's going on the credit card....hopefully this tweek will get me going again.

Laters.....

5 months already!

It's been 5 months today since being banded and so much has changed in that time..for the good. However, to "celebrate" the 5 months I didn't lose anything. In fact that makes 2 weeks in a row that I haven't. I am hovering around 300g heavier but this keeps fluctuating.

Mentally I am all over the place with this. On one hand I am disappointed that I haven't lost, and I am getting frustrated not seeing the numbers go down but on the other hand i know that overall I have lost nearly 27kg in 5.5 months (2 weeks preop) and I have lost alot in cm's. My fitness level in the past 2 weeks has jumped and I am getting stronger. This plateau could be a number of things, which I am hoping I can mix it up this week and try and get it moving. It could be that I am gaining muscle as I lose the fat, I could just have hit a plateau, my calories could possibly be a little to low and the body slowing down to compensate, or I could have just eaten to much crap over the past two weeks (although my calories would have evened out over the week). Who knows? Weight loss can be fickle sometimes.

Yesterday I did another 1 hour and 40 minutes at the gym again. I did an hour with the Enforcer and then 40 minutes of cardio including my 20 minutes of the C25K program. I still can't believe that I am jogging and I am starting to get the buzz from exercising hard, which is a good feeling.

So here is to another week and hopefully it will end with a better result on the scale.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Exercise Surprise!

When I go to the gym for my personal training session with The Enforcer, I usually manage to squeeze in a 20 minute work out before...I use this time to warm up and burn a few more calories. Last night I got there earlier than usual (like an hour) before my session, and I knew if I worked out that long I would not survive The Enforcer but I decided to do a work out anyway. So I started off doing 15 minutes on the cross trainer, then I decided to mix it up a bit and got on the treadmill...not something I usually do.

So walking along at a steady pace, all of a sudden this determination popped into my mind and all I could think about was the C25K program (everything seems to be blogging about it at the moment). I did actually print off the program yesterday (and left it at work) and didn't really have any intentions of doing it...ever!.....but all I could think about was jogging....so I decided to walk for 90 seconds and then try to jog for 60 seconds (at 7km an hour), not thinking that I could jog for 60 seconds, but I managed and the 90 second walking was a good rest in between spurts...ummmmmmm....20 minutes later I realised that I had completed the first session! I then finished off walking for another 10 minutes to "cool" down before my PT session.

I was buggered, my knee and heel were hurting (knowing that I probably overdid it a little) but I was proud that I did it. The Enforcer couldn't believe that I had done 45 minutes of cardio already, she was even more surprised when I told her that I jogged.

For the next hour, we concentrated on weights, rowing and using the powerplate (which also helped relieve the tension in my leg muscles). She even mentioned that my mental state was in super drive....I was fully focused and determined (she even mentioned that when I was lifting weights I had this look of concentration).

So all in all I did 1 hour and 45 minutes of hardcore workouts! By the time I got home I was jelly and today I am not as sore as I expected.......although tomorrow will more likely be the day that I will stiffen up.

So I have decided that I will start doing the C25K program and see how I go with it....just gotta watch the knee!

If this new found determination and exercise does not move the scales this week I think I will cry, but at least I will start upping the fitness level.

PS thanks for all the comments regarding my hair loss. I do appreciate it and know that many are going through the same thing. I know it's a right of passage and all for us bandsters to experience but it's just frustrating that I am losing sleep over it....last night I think I just feel into a state of exhaustion after my marathon effort at the gym. Also I don't think I am stressed over anything (that I am aware of), just need to monitor it. Unfortunately I can never have massages again due to my spinal injuries and will need to learn some new relaxation techniques.

Hairy Scarey

I have been having terrible nightmares. I am talking about waking up from scarey dreams type of nightmares, going back to sleep, only to have the same nightmare (slightly different but about the same topic)....it's about me losing my hair! and I am losing valuable healing sleep over it. I am glad that I wake up to stop the nightmare but not happy that it starts again as soon as I close my eyes.

Honestly the other night I woke up about 6-7 times throughout the night from these dreams, only to go back to sleep and have it repeated.

In the nightmares I lost my hair from over brushing, from shampooing my hair, to combing it and it falling out in clumps, from cutting the hair at the root and holding it in my hands in a big bunch to waking up bald and even shaving it all off....I am telling ya, my sub conscious is really dishing it out at the moment.

In reality I still have a good head of hair, albeit slightly wispy around the hairline, where I am actually losing hair and it seems when I shampoo it it does come out in clumps...I am really surprised I am not bald yet....but having nightmares like this is not doing anything for my fear.

I had my hair cut, I have started taking Biotin and upping the veggie intake to see if that helps but honestly I haven't seen any real change yet...it will probably be another month or so. However, there are other "hairy problems" arising on the body and I am not sure why?

I don't usually have much body hair NORMALLY....I shave my legs about once a week/fortnightly and only need to do my under arm fluff when I remember (about once every 2 months truly, there isn't much under there) but I am finding that I am starting to get course hair on my sideburns (more than normal) and well my Va Jay Jay is definitely getting overgrown faster...and the bikini waxes are getting my frequent! I never thought I would have this "problem"! Sorry if that is TMI but why can't it grow back on my head where it is important?

.......and on top of all that the regrowth that has managed to grow on my head is coming through silvery grey!

Why can't I dream of having hot sex and looking like a model....at least I wouldn't want to wake up!