I want to rewind and go back to Christmas 12 months ago because I had perfect restriction and perfect wait loss. I had gotten down to my lowest and I was getting fit and toned...so what happened in January 2011 that made things go down hill....
Looking back at the past 12 months I have been all over the place, up and down, up and down and I feel like a human yo-yo! The past few months my weight is creeping up quite fast and it's scaring the hell out of me... I can't make it stop (actually I take that back, I KNOW I can make it stop, but I just feel out of control like I used to before I was banded.
I feel like I am constantly struggling and nothing I do is making me lose weight...I have a good week, great, the following week I seem to have no restriction (and no will power!) and I am back to square one...do you see the familiar pattern here?
I have decided to have another fill on Monday to see if it will help me get rid of some of this insatible hunger....I am also going back to the gym. I am hoping this can get me back on track and refocus....I never thought that I would struggle like this again (or until I got closer to my goal)...alot of this is my head screwing with me....but I don't want it to take over my life...I don't want to go down that path ever again.
I had the follow up with the Dr about my knee and its not great news...not bad, just not great....I don't need to have surgery just yet, although the next few weeks back at the gym and exercising the knee will tell otherwise, there is bone on bone and lots of cartilidge floating around my knee cap (which will eventually need to be cleaned up) I also have arthritis....so at some point in the distant future a knee replacement will be on the cards....I got quite upset with this, knowing that not only my skiing injury is to blame, but my years of obseity and my knees having to carry that weight around...they were overloaded and abused! It's only know that I am lighter and some pressure has been taken off that injuries are starting to appear.
My job is going okay. My team is great and I am settling in fairly well. My car is fabulous and I am happy that I bought a brand new car...I have never had a brand new anything! I jsut have to pay it off :)
As for other things, my head space is doing okay today. I have good days and bad days. Something I haven't really talked about yet, was that I was seeing someone in Cambodia. Someone that I fell in love with. Someone I did not expect that I would have feelings for. I fought those feelings for awhile before I realised that I had to give it a go. He was Cambodian, much younger than me....24 years old in fact (so a13 years difference) (thats why it took me by surprise) and we got on very well. I was teaching at his school and we both had a vision for the future about the school, our lives and where we were going....(as I said it totally blew me away)....we talked about future plans, I spent alot of time with his family, we even talked about having a family......when I left Cambodia I was devestated that I was leaving anyway, but leaving him was hard (I promised myself once before I would never do the long distance thing again), so we parted "friends" knowing from both sides it was difficult. We skyped every day we missed each other very much. Of course we had a few cultural differences (as well as age difference issues) but we seemed to work through them. I was learning Khmer and learning the cultural ways of Cambodia, he is very western and wanted to do right by me....
I don't often let my barrier down when it comes to love...I don't date, I don't have boyfriends very often, I don't jump into anything and I am very guarded (for good reasons)....so I was really letting myself open up to love and everything that goes with it.....so what happened?
Christmas Eve he sent me a text message telling me he loved someone else. Always had, always will (basically his words). This person is someone I knew he had a close relationship with as friends (although she lives in Australia). So he had lied to me the whole time I was in Cambodia, plus the 6 weeks I was back in Oz....I felt betrayed, cheated and extremely broken hearted....what makes it even harder is that this woman is 54 years old.....I really struggled with the age difference between us, so to find out that I was being dumped (by text message) for someone that is 30 years older than him (17 years old than me) hurts....deeply hurts....I was broken....and to have this happen on Christmas Eve just kicked me down even more....
I honestly can't believe that my heart has broken so much....I honestly have surprised myself with those emotions and feelings for someone....I am slowly going through the process of healing and moving on....it's taken a bit...as I said I have good and bad days....I just want it to go away....so many wonderful experiences I had in Cambodia involved him and unfortunately those experiences and memories are tainted with his betrayal. I can't think of something that was a happy experience without thinking of him and my heart hurting.....
but I know eventually I will get there................it just takes time I suppose?
Looking back at the past 12 months I have been all over the place, up and down, up and down and I feel like a human yo-yo! The past few months my weight is creeping up quite fast and it's scaring the hell out of me... I can't make it stop (actually I take that back, I KNOW I can make it stop, but I just feel out of control like I used to before I was banded.
I feel like I am constantly struggling and nothing I do is making me lose weight...I have a good week, great, the following week I seem to have no restriction (and no will power!) and I am back to square one...do you see the familiar pattern here?
I have decided to have another fill on Monday to see if it will help me get rid of some of this insatible hunger....I am also going back to the gym. I am hoping this can get me back on track and refocus....I never thought that I would struggle like this again (or until I got closer to my goal)...alot of this is my head screwing with me....but I don't want it to take over my life...I don't want to go down that path ever again.
I had the follow up with the Dr about my knee and its not great news...not bad, just not great....I don't need to have surgery just yet, although the next few weeks back at the gym and exercising the knee will tell otherwise, there is bone on bone and lots of cartilidge floating around my knee cap (which will eventually need to be cleaned up) I also have arthritis....so at some point in the distant future a knee replacement will be on the cards....I got quite upset with this, knowing that not only my skiing injury is to blame, but my years of obseity and my knees having to carry that weight around...they were overloaded and abused! It's only know that I am lighter and some pressure has been taken off that injuries are starting to appear.
My job is going okay. My team is great and I am settling in fairly well. My car is fabulous and I am happy that I bought a brand new car...I have never had a brand new anything! I jsut have to pay it off :)
As for other things, my head space is doing okay today. I have good days and bad days. Something I haven't really talked about yet, was that I was seeing someone in Cambodia. Someone that I fell in love with. Someone I did not expect that I would have feelings for. I fought those feelings for awhile before I realised that I had to give it a go. He was Cambodian, much younger than me....24 years old in fact (so a13 years difference) (thats why it took me by surprise) and we got on very well. I was teaching at his school and we both had a vision for the future about the school, our lives and where we were going....(as I said it totally blew me away)....we talked about future plans, I spent alot of time with his family, we even talked about having a family......when I left Cambodia I was devestated that I was leaving anyway, but leaving him was hard (I promised myself once before I would never do the long distance thing again), so we parted "friends" knowing from both sides it was difficult. We skyped every day we missed each other very much. Of course we had a few cultural differences (as well as age difference issues) but we seemed to work through them. I was learning Khmer and learning the cultural ways of Cambodia, he is very western and wanted to do right by me....
I don't often let my barrier down when it comes to love...I don't date, I don't have boyfriends very often, I don't jump into anything and I am very guarded (for good reasons)....so I was really letting myself open up to love and everything that goes with it.....so what happened?
Christmas Eve he sent me a text message telling me he loved someone else. Always had, always will (basically his words). This person is someone I knew he had a close relationship with as friends (although she lives in Australia). So he had lied to me the whole time I was in Cambodia, plus the 6 weeks I was back in Oz....I felt betrayed, cheated and extremely broken hearted....what makes it even harder is that this woman is 54 years old.....I really struggled with the age difference between us, so to find out that I was being dumped (by text message) for someone that is 30 years older than him (17 years old than me) hurts....deeply hurts....I was broken....and to have this happen on Christmas Eve just kicked me down even more....
I honestly can't believe that my heart has broken so much....I honestly have surprised myself with those emotions and feelings for someone....I am slowly going through the process of healing and moving on....it's taken a bit...as I said I have good and bad days....I just want it to go away....so many wonderful experiences I had in Cambodia involved him and unfortunately those experiences and memories are tainted with his betrayal. I can't think of something that was a happy experience without thinking of him and my heart hurting.....
but I know eventually I will get there................it just takes time I suppose?
3 comments:
My heart hurts for you. I can only I imagine how hurt and betrayed you're feeling. It's all very well knowing that eventually it will get better but that doesn't help the pain right now. Thinking of you xxxx
It's happened to me three times in my life, and each time it's taken about 4 years to truly get over it - but we're all different, and I know this is a long time. I think that with enough distance - physical and timewise - you'll look back and realise that he may have had issues you didn't know about, which he thought he had overcome with you but hadn't, because with this other person 30 years is too big a gap I think, and there must be more to it than that. Heartache is a bugger, there's no getting away from it, but you do heal in the end. Big hug to you Roo.
Caroline
Hugs to you, Roo!
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