A Brand New Roo

Take me back......to where things were good

2012-01-28T08:59:00.003+04:00

I want to rewind and go back to Christmas 12 months ago because I had perfect restriction and perfect wait loss. I had gotten down to my lowest and I was getting fit and toned...so what happened in January 2011 that made things go down hill....

Looking back at the past 12 months I have been all over the place, up and down, up and down and I feel like a human yo-yo! The past few months my weight is creeping up quite fast and it's scaring the hell out of me... I can't make it stop (actually I take that back, I KNOW I can make it stop, but I just feel out of control like I used to before I was banded.

I feel like I am constantly struggling and nothing I do is making me lose weight...I have a good week, great, the following week I seem to have no restriction (and no will power!) and I am back to square one...do you see the familiar pattern here?

I have decided to have another fill on Monday to see if it will help me get rid of some of this insatible hunger....I am also going back to the gym. I am hoping this can get me back on track and refocus....I never thought that I would struggle like this again (or until I got closer to my goal)...alot of this is my head screwing with me....but I don't want it to take over my life...I don't want to go down that path ever again.

I had the follow up with the Dr about my knee and its not great news...not bad, just not great....I don't need to have surgery just yet, although the next few weeks back at the gym and exercising the knee will tell otherwise, there is bone on bone and lots of cartilidge floating around my knee cap (which will eventually need to be cleaned up) I also have arthritis....so at some point in the distant future a knee replacement will be on the cards....I got quite upset with this, knowing that not only my skiing injury is to blame, but my years of obseity and my knees having to carry that weight around...they were overloaded and abused! It's only know that I am lighter and some pressure has been taken off that injuries are starting to appear.

My job is going okay. My team is great and I am settling in fairly well. My car is fabulous and I am happy that I bought a brand new car...I have never had a brand new anything! I jsut have to pay it off :)

As for other things, my head space is doing okay today. I have good days and bad days. Something I haven't really talked about yet, was that I was seeing someone in Cambodia. Someone that I fell in love with. Someone I did not expect that I would have feelings for. I fought those feelings for awhile before I realised that I had to give it a go. He was Cambodian, much younger than me....24 years old in fact (so a13 years difference) (thats why it took me by surprise) and we got on very well. I was teaching at his school and we both had a vision for the future about the school, our lives and where we were going....(as I said it totally blew me away)....we talked about future plans, I spent alot of time with his family, we even talked about having a family......when I left Cambodia I was devestated that I was leaving anyway, but leaving him was hard (I promised myself once before I would never do the long distance thing again), so we parted "friends" knowing from both sides it was difficult. We skyped every day we missed each other very much. Of course we had a few cultural differences (as well as age difference issues) but we seemed to work through them. I was learning Khmer and learning the cultural ways of Cambodia, he is very western and wanted to do right by me....

I don't often let my barrier down when it comes to love...I don't date, I don't have boyfriends very often, I don't jump into anything and I am very guarded (for good reasons)....so I was really letting myself open up to love and everything that goes with it.....so what happened?

Christmas Eve he sent me a text message telling me he loved someone else. Always had, always will (basically his words). This person is someone I knew he had a close relationship with as friends (although she lives in Australia). So he had lied to me the whole time I was in Cambodia, plus the 6 weeks I was back in Oz....I felt betrayed, cheated and extremely broken hearted....what makes it even harder is that this woman is 54 years old.....I really struggled with the age difference between us, so to find out that I was being dumped (by text message) for someone that is 30 years older than him (17 years old than me) hurts....deeply hurts....I was broken....and to have this happen on Christmas Eve just kicked me down even more....

I honestly can't believe that my heart has broken so much....I honestly have surprised myself with those emotions and feelings for someone....I am slowly going through the process of healing and moving on....it's taken a bit...as I said I have good and bad days....I just want it to go away....so many wonderful experiences I had in Cambodia involved him and unfortunately those experiences and memories are tainted with his betrayal. I can't think of something that was a happy experience without thinking of him and my heart hurting.....

but I know eventually I will get there................it just takes time I suppose?

The job, weight loss and a new car!

2012-01-18T14:44:00.000+04:00

I'm a week and a half into the new job and I am liking it so far. The team I am working for is lovely and I have been made very welcome. So it seems I am settling in okay and my boss has told me that the other girls I work with have given me the thumbs up? I am assuming that means they like me?Last week I managed to drop 5 kilos!!!! omg!!! Obviously lots of water retention over the Christmas and new year season. I am refocusing on what I am eating and portion sizes. It has helped alot with restriction and limiting pb's. So last weeks surprise has certainly got me back on track. With the bew job I get a free gym membership and I plan on taking full advantage of it. Tomorrow I see the specialist about my knee. I had the MRI last week and hopefully it will be good news. My knee is much better but I still can't squat or kneel on it. But if I get the all clear I am back in the gym, although I will be taking things very easy until I know my limitations. Plus o haven't been in a gym in 9 months I am ashamed to admit.Another exciting but if news is that I bought myself a brand new car. I have never had a brand new one and I am excited. I ha no intention to buy so quickly but I dis want to test drive some on the weekend and with all the new year car deals I ended up getting one. I got a Mazda 3 hatch. In red! Love, love, love it! As I was at work my dad went and picked it up for me today and soon as I got home I jumped in and took it for a spin. 6 speed manual got some grunt!!! Mamas gonna hit the road this weekend :) my friends are laughing as they think it's a sign that I will have to settle in as I have committed to an expensive-ish car! I am taking each day as it comes. So much has gone on since arriving home it's been emotional to say the least. But all about this will be blogged about soon....I need to lick my wounds a but mire before talking about it.On my last note, it's good to be back on here and reading ya blogs. I really have missed my girls!!!!

Off the Rails!

2012-01-08T11:54:00.001+04:00

I am having mild panic attacks about how much weight I have put on...I know my weight went up a few kilos over the past few months what with relocating, travelling, death, surgeries, family woes and emotionally stressed, but since Christmas Eve I have put on about 3 kilos! WTF?

I am bloated and feel like crap. Okay, I was visiting friends in Melbourne, but I didn't think I over-indulged that much...but it just goes to show that eventually the laziness and lack of self control was going to bite me in the bum...HARD!

So after a year of mucking around, being lazy and losing all focus on what is important (ie this weight loss journey and getting to goal) I NEED to get back on track...it's not even a want anymore...its a necessity! I don't want to go back to that bad, dark place ever, ever again. So its time to buckle down for good and get back on track and focus on this 8 week challenge that I set myself and haven't done great on it. So much going on at the moment....but that is no excuse!

On saying all that, I did have a fantastic Christmas with my family. It was very low key, just being with my parents and grandma...as other family members were off visiting other sides family etc, but it was perfect. Mum still did a roast pork, turkey (roll), ham and roast vegies....it was devine...Santa was good to me (although I knew about eveything he was bringing me)....I was given the Wii Zumba game and looking forward to starting doing some dancing..............

but I have to still wait until I know about my knee.....its getting a little better, but every know and again I knock it and it gives me grief. I am having the MRI and seeing the surgeon this week and next week, so fingers crossed for good news...

I start a new job tomorrow. This is my first real, full time, responsbility job in 9 months....I am apprehensive, nervous and excited all in one....it will be nice to be earning some money again. I had to go and buy some office wear to fit me properly (as this will be more of a suit and professional affair) than what I was able to wear in Dubai. I have induction all day tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Happy New Year everyone...Hope 2012 is a wonderful year....

A right old Knees up!

2011-12-21T10:19:00.001+04:00

My week is going okay...actually the start of my week was great eating wise...but the last 2 days I have been eating out of boredom...and that is not going to show good results on Friday. I am so bored!!! Truly bored out of my brain.....I can't even think about what to pack (I leave on Friday), I wasn't even enthused about wrapping presents....what is wrong with me?

One great thing this week is that I have received a payrise BEFORE I have even started the job....unbelievable! I was shocked too... Merry Christmas to me :)

As I may have mentioned in an earlier post, I seemed to have injured my knee some how...it was getting better after many icepacks and days of rest, but on Sunday, whatever I did, I have stuffed it up even more. I am in more pain than ever...so a quick visit to the doctors again, and I had an emergency appointment with the Knee Specialist...the same day, that never happens....but because of the Christmas/New Year public holidays etc, it's going to take longer.

So off I trundled to the surgery and he suspects I may have a tear...so I have to have an MRI in January and then go back to see him and see what the results are.... in the meantime I have to take anti-inflammatories, don't use a knee brace and put up with the pain...SO NOT HAPPY....makes me want to reconsider ever helping little old ladies that fall down escalators ever again!!! thats who got me into this mess in the first place!

I am going away next week to Melbourne to visit friends...but with my knee I don't think I will be doing anything to active!

Tonight we had a small family Christmas dinner with my 4 year old niece (she is going to her other grandparents for Christmas), she is getting spoilt rotten by her Aunty Roo....amongst her "big" presents from Nanny, Poppy and Aunty Roo, the sandpit I bought her is the biggest hit! I like being the favourite Aunty (even though its because I buy the coolest presents LOL)....

Weigh in and Measurement Day

2011-12-16T09:47:00.002+04:00

On the weight and measurement front...wow, feels like I haven't updated this FOREVER, I was disappointed on the measurements (but not surprised as I have put on weight AND not exercised properly for months). But I feel like I am back on track...this week I lost 1.7kg's.

Neck: -
Bust: +1.3
Hips: +4
Waist: +4
Thighs: +8.5 (each) - i!
Calves: -
Arms: -
Total gained: 26.5cm

Now, my thighs were startingly disturbing...I think my measurements of my thighs went wrong somewhere in the past (as there is no way I could have put 8.5cm's on each. I think perhaps I was measuring lower and lower down my thigh each month! Next month I am going to make sure I measure my thighs in the exact place as I have in the beginning and even measured exactly from a freckle on each thigh where to measure from.....

No longer "unemployed"

2011-12-15T10:41:00.001+04:00

Since I have been back in Oz I have beenlooking for some work. I hadn't had much luck and was starting to get a little worried. That worry ended yesterday as I have been offered a job. A good job. I am a little concerned about taking a permanent position because one, it grounds me, two, I don't know if I really want to work in an office anymore, three, I am comitting to something. My head is all over the place and settling in to Oz life isn't really happening for me. Even though I have worked during the 4 months I was away, I wasn't paid and technically unemployed! It is going to feel weird dressing up in heels and a suit again. Perhaps this is what will make me settle a bit. I just hope I have made the right decision for me. Alot ifMoney has been invested in me for this job, I just hope I don't disappoint. I know I can do the job, I just hope I can keep interested enough....time will tell.

Wardrobe Meltdown

2011-12-10T07:03:00.001+04:00

I have gone into complete meltdown over my wardrobe....I am going out for drinks in the city tonight and not one of my tops fit me comfortably...even a top I bought in Cambodia. I know I have put on a few kilos, but this is ridiculous! When I returned from Dubai and the hot desert I had a wardrobe full of gorgeous dresses and very dressy tops and pants....coming back into winter in Australia, I made do with the few winter clothes that I had, seeing that I was moving to Cambodia. The past 4 months in Cambodia I have lived in shorts, skirts, t-shirts and thongs (flip-flops for those non Aussies). I didn't want to buy a new wardrobe for winter and I knew that when I returned from Cambodia I would need to buy a few more things for an Australian summer (and a bit more smart casual, rather than dressing to the 9's every time you go out)............but today I am in trouble...(and disappointed that I am back to feeling like this!)

tomorrow is D day...I HAVE to get back on track.....so I am setting myself an 8 week challenge, starting tomorrow! Yep, even over Christmas and New Year....back to basics, writing everything down, counting calories and exercises at least 3 times per week. I need to get back under 100 (about 8 kilos to get off) and work towards my goal (and the tummy tuck!).

Any suggestions or tips on how to really get back on track properly???? I seemed to have forgotten how to eat and what to eat!

Anyway, hopefully I will be comfortable tonight and savour a few drinks before the challenge begins.

2011-12-07T08:52:00.002+04:00

Do I have any readers left? I have been a non-blogger for so long, I feel I need to re-introduce myself and get to know you all again (if you will let me!).

I have returned to Australia after a life changing 4 months in Cambodia. I know, I know, I made promises to update you on how it was all going, but I truly just didn't find the time....I haven't even updated my travel blog!

I experienced and discovered so much in Cambodia that I am certainly a different person (or the person that has always been there, just not discovered).

I'm okay with the band. I had a small unfill before I left and...well lets just say, rice and noodles weren't a big problem (although I still couldn't eat much). I managed to not put on huge amounts of weight, I was cycling everyday and eating healthy.......it's since I have been back in Australia that I have come unstuck and need to get back on track.

I went for a fill last week, and so far no weight has come off...I am eating the wrong foods...I am depressed and sad and on top of that I have twisted my knee very badly, which has stopped exercise (and I have been to lazy to go for a swim!).

It's time to take the reins again and get on with the rest of this weight loss journey. I also severely need support and I have realised I am only going to get it from here, from this community....it's time to touch base again with all my great friends I have met through here.....I NEED TO FOCUS ON MYSELF FOR A BIT...it's been a whirlwind 2011.....where it's been about everyone else.....

I have been honest with my weight gain and have updated my ticket accordingly, as sad as I am that I am back in triple figures.....I have some clothes that I was desperate to wear this summer, which don't even do up! I have been hanging around the house, bored and sort of just waiting for things to happen...I am looking for a job and I have no money to really be out doing things....plus my heart just isn't into it....I will talk more about Cambodia and it's impact on me in later posts (plus some photos!), but what I can say is that I found true happiness there (within myself and with life in general)...........I will be returning one day, at this point I need to re-prioritise and finish what I started with the lapband.

What I really need right now is an intervention and HELP!

Happy 2nd Bandiversary to me

2011-08-15T14:50:00.003+04:00

Today marks my second anniversary of having Kiki, my band. I haven't been a good bandster this year, but I am dealing with the fact that my journey has not ended and I still have a fair way to go. I am also dealing with the fact that 2 years ago, my obesity was killing me and I am in such a better place now, both phyiscally, mentally and emotionally. I can only be proud of how far I have come and what I have achieved.

Living life in Cambodia, I actually nearly forgot that today marked an anniversary. I do not know what I weigh, nor have I really been watching what goes into my mouth, but its safe to say I don't think I have actually gained to much since being here...in fact I am hoping that the few kilos that I put on before I came away have left me. I am not concerned about it all right now, but next week when I head to my new home in Seam Reap and get myself into a routine (and get off the beer) I can concentrate a little better.

In the past month I have been spending time with good friends and relaxing. ALOT of relaxing. However, I have also taken some opportunities to discover new talents and adventures....something I would never have done while carrying around the huge weight that I did not so long ago.

I went caving! Yes, and there was one point that I had to get myself through the tiniest hole that I could ever imagine. I went into complete breakdown and had a full blown panic attack, but with the encouragement and support of others that were with me I made it through...JUST! The sense of achievement that washed over me, once I stopped sobbing after the panic attack, was pure joy.

The other thing that I did, that I NEVER DO is sing karaoke all by myself on stage in front of a restaurant full of Cambodians. Another thing I am proud of, albeit I sang badly, I didn't care.

Everything is going well here, I am living a life that I want and it can only get better. I know that I have been extremely slack on the blogging and that is one thing that I feel guilty about, I certainly don't want to lose contact with all my bandster friends, and I am truly sorry that I will not be in Chicago with my BOOBS this year. My weight, my blogging and my journey really does need more attention, but as you can all understand and relate to, once you lose the weight and start living the life you want, it can be hard to sit in front of a computer, when all you want to do is get out there....that is not to say, I don't want to, I just need to find some time every couple of days to reconnect with you all. I really do miss you all. Have a fantastic time in Chicago.....and looking forward to hearing all the shenanigans you girls get up to.

I will blog more about my cambodian adventure soon.
Happy Anniversary to me!

Sitting in Singapore contemplating!

2011-07-12T09:13:00.003+04:00

I know, I know..where have I been again?

Well all I can say is the past 4 months have been rather busy to say the least and now that I am back on the road again I can take a deep breath and contemplate this band that's wrapped around my tummy....the one I was so focused on up until 6 months ago! Not sure what has changed and I am not really happy about it..

However, here I am sitting in my hostel room in Singapore, taking a break from the heat of the day and decided to get onto my blog and see if it helps a little.

Let's just say I have put on weight, more than I would like to admit and more than I am happy about (although we are never really happy when we gain weight, right?). Well the past month all I seemed to do was stress eat and it's taken it's toll on me...I feel like crap! I hope 4 months in Cambodia, doing some much needed exercise (ie some hiking and jogging and swimming etc) and eating healthier food will do the trick.

I seemed to have jammed so much into the 4 months being home (alot in preparation for my Cambodian trip) was perhaps a little to much to do. It left me so stressed that a few weekends ago I just cried for 2 days straight and my back and neck was in so much pain because of it.. I was even having heart palpitations and shortness of breath! So not good....

On the other hand, some of the things I have been doing are things that I have wanted to do for years and not either had the courage to do them or fear because I was so fat. They are:

Completing a TEFL Certificate and a Young learners Certificate to teach English...I am officially an English teacher specialising in teaching kids (but can teach all levels and all students) - which is what I am hoping to be doing in Cambodia. The

Getting my motor bike licence! - I passed last week and have my learner riders licence. I had to do a weekend course to learn to ride, which was fantastic (if not a little hairy scary at times!) but I achieved it....something I have ALWAYS wanted to do....(my family are not very happy with the prospect of me being on a bike however my defence was that I should learn to ride properly if I am going to ride in Cambodia (which I would have done with or without a licence). And we all know what happened last time I was in Cambodia on a motor bike :)

But I am finally here..on my new journey, my new challenge and I hope I can refocus on myself. I desperately need to....I need to get back into double digits and get a little more toned.

I am excited and nervous, scared and happy about the next 4 months...I fly out of Singapore tomorrow....

If you are interested in my trip I have started a new blog on my travel blog site for the trip. You can find me here.

Can't believe the next BOOBS is just around the corner. Will miss you all this year...so ensure to have a drink or two for me in my honour! Enjoy ladies.

Until I can get back on here next time....xx

Remember Me?

2011-05-28T07:45:00.003+04:00

Remember me? Wow can you believe I have been home for 7 weeks and I haven't been on the blogs nor have I had time to stop and actually breath. There are still many friends and some family that I haven't seen yet!

Arriving home was great. It was wonderful to see my family and close friends and they couldn't believe how much weight I have lost and how wonderful I was looking...little did they realise I haven't lost in 5 months! Heck 5 months, what have I been doing?

Since being home, I ended up taking a few days temp work over the Easter period before I started my course to teach English. That course has consumed my life for the past 4 weeks and I can now say as of yesterday I am a qualified ESL teacher. I can now teacher students English as a second language. I am not going to do a online Young Learners course to complement my certification. It has been an awesome experience with loads of teaching practice and I really think I have found my calling (at least for awhile).

It's not all been shiny and smiley though. My grandfather passed away 3 weeks ago suddenly. I am lucky that I got to see him a couple of times since I have been home. He had celebrated his 91st birthday only 4 days before he passed, so he has lead a full and very interesting life, but that didn't make it any easier. The funeral was a very emotional day and it was the first time I had seen alot of my close family since being home, ontop of all the family I haven't seen in over 25 years! This also happened smack bang in the middle of my course, so I was unable to take any time off (except for the funeral) to grieve. This weekend I have just slumped.

So with everything that has been going on, I haven't focussed on my weight at all. I had a small fill when I got home but it hasn't done anything. I don't know whether I really need another fill, but I certainly need to refocus and actually put myself on a strict diet. I think that is the only way I am going to shift this weight. I have been losing and gaining the same 3 kilos over the 5 months. Enough is enough....

In 6 weeks time I am heading to Cambodia for 4 months. I am super excited! My plans are to hang with my friend who I stayed with back in February and then head north to perhaps do some volunteer work (teaching english) in an orphanagem, then head back south to see what work I can get. But these plans are not set and I may end up staying down south the whole time....it truly is my slice of heaven and I am eager to get back.

So I have 6 weeks to get some weight off, get back into some exercise (as that has been lacking hugely since being home) and start to prepare for my upcoming adventure.

I am starting another temping assignment on Monday and will be contracted until July when I go. I am going to also use this time to catch up on everyone else's news....I have followed a few on facebook, but sadly not here....sorry girls...I will be up to speed soon.

Miss you all and looking forward to getting back in contact with you all.

xxx

Saying Goodbye!

2011-04-03T12:31:00.005+04:00

I know I haven't been around much in the past few weeks...as you can well imagine, my life has spiralled out of control with preparing to leave the desert and move onto bigger and better things, plus I seem to have been farewelling everyone for about 2 weeks...NOTE that is 2 weeks of non-stop partying....and so not good for the waistline! I so got into trouble from my doctor....he gave me a right bollocking over the amount of drinking I have been doing! and that is going to change....firstly I need to detox my liver and then I can refocus on getting some more weight off and getting fit again.

I fly on Tuesday morning and this week I have been going through some massive rollercoasters of emotion....happy to be going, excited about the future, but sad that I am leaving great friends behind...I have realised lately just how good some things were here....to late to change it though.

So I am going to leave you with a few photos taken over the past week at various dinners and partying nights out. I have had a facial and a haircut and from the exercise I was managing to do between social events I managed to tone up a little....and I promise once I am back on Oz soil and settled in a bit I will be back on here regularly and catching up with you all. (and I am having lunch with Andrew today to say goodbye!)

Cocktails at the Madinat

Dinner at Rhodes Mezzaine

The Calvin Klein dress I bought in the US - first time wearing it! My farewell brunch

Not conducive to weight loss!

2011-03-13T20:26:00.004+04:00

I have 3 weeks to go before I leave the desert and my social life has quadrupled! Trying to spend time with everyone as much as I can, being pulled in all directions. Dinners, drinks, lunches, cocktails and nights out partying plus busy at work trying to finish everything up and running around organising shipping and last minute errands is not conducive to weight loss.

I have managed to do some exercise to try and combat this phase and not gain weight....which I think is helping a little. In fact, I tried a Tabata session last week and it was great. It is basically a set of exercises that you do for 20 seconds with a 10 second rest in between each set and you repeat about 8 times (although I only did 4)....similar to a circuit course. I have also done Jillian Michael Shred it DVD a few times...even though I haven't lost any weight I have noticed that I am toning up...my tummy is a little tighter and my arms are starting to show a little definition (not much, but a little).

I think I am going to get another fill next week...to see if I can just take the edge off and hopefully will stop me over-indulging...as much as I know I need to refocus and get back to basics, in reality it just isn't going to happen in the next few weeks. Once I am home, I am going to refocus on the important things and get back on track properly...in the mean time I just need to do damage control as much as I can.

Who would have thought that relocating would be so exhaustive...I have lived in many countries but never had this much going on before!

I have gotten a little behind in reading blogs and I will at some point catch up I hope...but I hope you are all doing well and living life to the fullest!

Resigned, Packed and Shipped

2011-02-27T13:48:00.002+04:00

Sorry for being AWOL lately, things just seemed to be all over the place, busy with getting everything ready to leave the desert and my head isn't really here at the moment, as you can well imagine.

I went back to have the rest of my fill put in, I had a great week eating wise and my weight came down 3kg's, still not back to where I was at Christmas time, but at least on the right track...I will get there....I can still eat loads and don't feel like I have high restriction, going to give it another week or so and see...if not, back for another small fill...I ate crazy over the weekend and probably damaged all the good I did last week.

I finally put in the resignation last Thursday. Mostly, my bosses were not surprised...I think a leak got out as a rumour had started going around that I was leaving...anyhoo...it's a big relief and now that it is official I just can't wait. 5 weeks is going to be a very long time.

I packed everything up over the weekend and the packing company came in yesterday and boxed it all up and it's now gone. I am living in one very empty bedroom, just my bag of clothes that I need for the next month and 10 bottles of alcohol....maybe I need to donate that to some friends stockpile...because I will not drink that much on my own over the next few weeks :) (particularly if I want to get this weight moving properly again).

So, that is basically where I am at now. I can't stop thinking about what the next few months are going to bring me...I am excited and I really just want to be back at my little slice of heaven....I'm struggling....

I have so many blogs to catch up on, you have all been busy bees on the blogs and I hope I can get onto it soon before it becomes out of control. Unfortunately I am going to have to miss the next BOOB's weekend, as much as I would love to come and see you all, it's just not going to be possible. But please think of me over the weekend........

I started doing the Jillian Michaels 30 Day shred it over the weekend...I thought I was starting to get fit, but after doing 20mins of her workout how wrong was I...I am hurting, but in a good way....she is either going to make me or break me.....

Cambodia photos and the holiday blues!

2011-02-19T20:13:00.010+04:00

Forgive me for not writing sooner to give you an update on my trip! Things have been all over the place this week....mainly because 2 days after I got back I slumped into the holiday blues! Seriously, really down about it! That's how much of an impact my trip had on me.

So where to start?

I arrived in Cambodia and my friend met me at the airport! It was wonderful to finally meet him after 3 years of emails/facebook. Most of you can understand how you can feel about a person you have met online and then finally get to meet them.....the anticipation was incredible and the meeting was a highlight. I don't think we shut up for the whole 9 days. We certainly have alot in common and he is going to be a fabulous friend (and for those that have questioned it or wondering, it is only friends :))

We chilled out for 3 days in Phnom Penh, getting to know each other, scouring the wet markets for local delicacies (he is a huge foodie like me and loves to cook too!), visiting the Palace, beers at sunset every night overlooking the Tonle Sap and generally enjoying a break.

We then headed down to where he lives (about 3 hours south of the capital) and I spent the most glorious wonderful 5 days in the jungle. A true slice of paradise, with views over looking the Vietnamese Islands. It's a sleepy little town, known for its crab dishes and other fresh seafood...

Thankfully I had a big unfill before leaving, because the food was absolutely amazing and I ate huge amounts (luckily the scales hasn't shown to much damage!) of food.

I feel in love with the town, the locals and the laid back lifestyle of jungle living...my friend is doing some amazing stuff down there and I want to do something too. I realised, after many conversations with him, that my decision about going home and settling down and laying roots is not for me at the moment. It's blown me out of the water, because for the past year I really thought that is what I wanted.

Another thing happened on that jungle track, which has certainly put a new light on things. I learnt to ride a motor bike, something that I have always wanted to do. My friend taught me (well showed me the basics!), I did really well for about 30 minutes and through some unfortunate events, I somehow managed to drop the bike over a 5 metre cliff and managed to come off it before I went over with it. Miraclously, I was not injured....and one extremely lucky girl....needless to say I am buying my friend a new scooter! Small price to pay when it could have cost me my life. So some life altering events occurred on my trip!

Saying goodbye to Cambodia and my friend was extremely hard. I have certianly left a big chunk of my heart there....so here is my plan....I go home in 6 weeks. I am going to do a course to teach English and then I am going to head back in August (the end of the wet season) and hang out for 2-3 months, teach some english classes and asborb it all in. Plus this week I have started to learn Khmer....it's going to be difficult but something I want to do.

Cambodia had the same effect on my 4 years ago when I first visited the country. The feelings were much stronger this time around and I cannot ignore the pull towards returning.....

So the next few months has become more exciting than I originally thought. I am excited about going home and spending time with my family....I am happy to be leaving the desert and will close the doors on this chapter of my life.....

On band related news, I went back to have a fill this week. My doc had taken out 2.5ml, but only put back in 2.25ml. I thought it would make a difference, but it hasn't so I am going back today to have the other .25ml put in. Hopefully I can kick start my weight loss again as I haven't lost in 2 months....and haven't lost any cm's either.....it's time to kick it up a gear.

I will leave you with some photos.......

Fishing on the Tonle Sap

Monks in Phnom Penh

Local Temples

My view from my bungalow in the jungle

The view from Verandah overlooking the Vietnam Islands

Sunsets

Crab in Kampot Pepper Sauce (local speciality)

Cambodia has changed my life

2011-02-13T16:25:00.002+04:00

I am back and can I just say that Cambodia has changed my direction in life...it has left a huge impact on me and things are going to change.....I have discovered a little piece of paradise.

The full report, photos and experiences will come shortly....I just got to unpack and try and settle back in for a few days....not that that will happen....to much to do before heading home in 7 weeks...where my life is going to changed drastically.....

Not my Gallbladder...but you won't guess what it was

2011-02-01T16:41:00.004+04:00

My doctor is an amazing man and I can't thank him enough for his bedside manner and caring nature for his patients. I met him at the hospital where he squeezed me in between surgeries.
After a brief examination he ordered all the tests, blood work, ultrasound, urine sample...the works....he was of the opinion that it could possibly be my gallbladder.

4 hours later...turns out it wasn't....but I was amazed at the prognosis....a spasming esophagus....a what? I thought the same thing...but apparently it does happen and it does present with similarities to a gallbladder attack. The reason? No idea why it happens, or how to prevent it.....just been given some Gaviscon and anti-inflammatory tablets to take if I have another "spasm" episode.

Bloomin' heck.....I am glad it isn't my gallbladder, she is stone free and healthy as.....but it certainly was a scare......

so I can safely go to Cambodia and enjoy myself and hope that I don't have a repeat performance.......but I will at least know what to do if it does.

Has anybody heard of this happening before?

thanks to everyone for the kind wishes and insight to their gallbladder attacks!

Is it an attack of the gall stones?

2011-02-01T09:21:00.003+04:00

I woke up this morning thinking I was having a heart attack...but as the pain made it's way down under my rib cage on my right side and up into my shoulder blades and I started feeling quesy, I was thinking more along the lines of a gall bladder attack.

I have never had one, but have read about them. I popped a couple of D-Gas tablets, hoping that it might just be very bad integestion.....but 3.5 hours later I was still in terrible pain, who was I kidding.

I managed to get myself into the office (I know! but I didn't want to take sick leave 2 days before going on Annual Leave) and rang my surgeon...he said it sounded like gall stones and that I was to go to the emergency room later this morning at the hospital he is doing surgeries at this morning. He is going to meet me there and do a scan and some blood tests.

He said then they can decide on the outcome (surgery or no surgery)....whether I go to Cambodia or not....UMM THAT IS NOT AN OPTION! I will be going to Cambodia....just dose me up on medication and I will deal with the Gallbladder when I get back.....seriously

I hope............

The pain is subsiding to almost non-existent, so I am hoping that I will be ok for the trip......so now I sit here waiting to get a taxi to the hospital....and because of those D-gas tablets farting and burping like a tropper!

The Insatiable Hunger Monster Within

2011-01-30T15:00:00.006+04:00

It's been 1.5 hours since I had 2.5ml pulled out of my band and I have eaten 6 pieces of sushi and 3 crackers with hommous and nearly a litre of water! It's like my hunger has returned with a vengeance...I don't remember ever being this hungry since I have been banded....and the joy of food going down without getting stuck or PB'ing is a joy.....I cannot believe the hunger returned so fast after having it out...like instantly...and I honestly had forgotten what this type of hunger felt like and that is scary....INSATIABLE

However, fingers crossed that I focus on eating well and make the best choices so that I don't gain weight. I am petrified of gaining and losing control.....this unfil is only going to be for 2 weeks and when I am back from the jungle I will be getting filled up again (although I may only go with 1.5/2ml instead of the 2.5 again) clearly I was too tight and it has affected my weight loss over the past month.

Needless to say, I lost nothing again last week...

My doctor has also asked if I would do a testimonial for his website.....I have so many great things to say, I just don't know how to put it into words for the site.....any suggestions?

As for the weekend, it was good.....I went out on Thursday night and even though it was a late one, it wasn't a huge one drinking...I didn't feel to bad on Friday. Then I went out to a place called *Global**Village* which is like a fun fair with lots of pavilions set up for each countries markets/bazaar/souk, selling gifts, clothes and food from that country. I grazed my way around tasting lots of delights, cheeses, shrimp balls, nuts, dates, honey, turkish delight....enough to fill a banded tummy over the course of the evening...I went out there for a purpose to buy a tagine for my friend...that was a mission and a half, but I found one in the end.

Saturday was spent catching up with a friend over a brunch (a proper eggs and coffee type brunch, not the overindulgence type normally found here), then some shopping and then a reflexology session. I won a voucher for 30 minutes at a quiz night and wanted to use it before it expired...it felt wonderful and relaxing! However, I somehow ripped the seat out of my new-ish jeans getting into the taxi and now have to try and buy another pair before I leave on Thursday. I am peed off as I have only had these jeans for 2 months, and seeing that I don't get the wear out of any of my pants since losing weight, it's an expense I can do without.

I am all packed and ready to go on my trip on Thursday night and I am super excited.

Beirut - a long weekend away

2011-01-25T09:40:00.006+04:00

I am back from Beirut and let me tell you I am so glad I went, even though the political situation these past few weeks have been extremely tense. Wednesday last week, we were questioning whether we should actually go. We did and I am glad. As the locals say, "nobody riots on a weekend, if anything is to happen it will start on Monday" (we were leaving Sunday!)....

Apart from the hightened security, army patrols, tankers in the streets and a lack of locals on the streets, we enjoyed ourselves (although we did get pulled up in one street and had our bags searched). With all the security I wasn't sure if I felt more safe or unsafer.....We hired a car with a driver for 2 days to get out of the city and see some of the better sites. Baalbek, Byblos, Harissa and the wine region....awesome!

Wandering around the city centre is surreal....the downtown area is completely rebuilt and brand sparkly new, while other streets have empty buildings or meer shells of concrete slabs pocked with bullet holes and bomb damage....then there is the mosque and church that sit side by side in harmony together....the traffic is horrendous (as basically there are no road rules) and I liked everything I saw.

The food was amazing, although the first 2 days I was super tight (I am sure it was from the 3 hour flight) and PB'd most meals...but I tried eating mezze, which can be very band friendly usually with bite size nibbles and dips of smooth hommus and moutabal (eggplant dip with pomegranate).

Here are some photos of the weekend. I was pleasantly surprised.

Snow on the sand dunes in Syria - flying in

Pigeon Rocks at Sunset

Roman Ruins at Baalbek

At Byblos

Local man smoking Naglieh

Views of Lebanon coast and Med

Old building full of war wounds

As for weightloss, it's been a month and I am getting deseperate and down about it...I know what I need to do, but just don't seem to get back on track properly....and on top of it all as I leave to go to Cambodia next week, I am getting some fill out on Sunday so I don't have problems while I am away.....where is my mojo, it's still missing...If found please return to the desert.

Where did my mojo go?

2011-01-16T16:22:00.004+04:00

I am feeling very dispondent about not losing weight lately. I know I am entirely at fault...I haven't been putting much of an effort into it and losing my mojo and I don't know why...Everyday I start the day by saying "today I will get back on track" but somehow end up not.....I am getting very frustrated as I really wanted to loss 5 kilos by the time I went to Cambodia...so far only 1.4kg (and that probably isn't correct as my weight is slightly up!)...

The only thing that I have stuck to is not smoking...it's been 15 days and there was only 1 night were I had a couple of cigarettes while I was out drinking....other than that I am ciggie free....and determined to stick with it (if I have the occassional one while I am out o the booze I can deal with that!)
Why am I finding it so hard at the moment...where did my mojo go?

Natural Disaster - Australia!

2011-01-11T16:11:00.005+04:00

Just sending a big shout out to any Queensland bloggers that are having to deal with the terrible storms/flooding that is smashing the State as the moment. Hope you are staying safe, haven't had to much damage and trying to stay a little dry. I have many friends and family in Brisbane and the surrounds that have been affected quiet badly. I have been emotional today as I have been streamlining the news in Oz to keep up to date....I am getting more and more worried and concerned with each minutes update....so may people have lost their lives, the homes, their cars, their businesses and the worst is yet to come....

Just hope/wish the government would stick there hands in their pockets a little deeper.....(like they did for The Tsunami and Pakistan!)...gotta look after your own people too!

Also, a shout out to any Western Australian bloggers (Cara and Emma that I can think off on the top of my head and of course any others!) and that you guys aren't affected by the fires sweeping your State!

Any South Australian bloggers....hope the storms don't hit there over the next day or so.

I am thinking of all of you. xx

Getting "healthy"makes you sick

2011-01-07T08:18:00.002+04:00

So how have I been going on the getting healthy in 2011 kick...not to shabby...I finally managed to find some chewable kids vitamins that actually are on par to a women's multivitamin and have been taking them every day (I have never really taken vitamins (even pre-band) and have trouble with the size of the tablet!)....i didn't go out last night drinking....I had planned to have a weekend off and I stuck to it......As for the giving up smoking....6 days and counting.......and have had no cravings whatsoever...EASY PEASY....Why?

Because out of the 6 days I have had a BLOODY CHEST INFECTION FOR 4 OF THEM! Honestly, I can't remember the last time I felt this miserable. It certainly has helped me stop smoking cold turkey. I ended up having 2 days off sick from work and ended up at the doctors yesterday, where he was concerned about the sound in my chest....I am on a plethora of drugs and actually slept most last night (first nights sleep in 6 days!) and actually starting to feel a little better this morning.

My GP has not seen me for over 10 months and when he saw me in the clinic yesterday his jaw hit the ground. He couldn't believe how much weight I had lost with the band.....I couldn't help but smile...He was not overly happy when I told him I was having lapband surgery, he didn't have a lot of faith in it....I guess I have showed him! When I said that I still had a little ways to go, he said no, I didn't need to lose anymore weight....umm I beg to differ considering on the BMI scale I am still classifed as OBESE....(a few people have mentioned this and think I am starting to have a problem. I am still 20 kilos off my realistic goal weight (the top of my healthy weight range) and only 15 kilos off my goal weight that I have set myself so it's not a problem!

As for eating this week, well my intake has been less than stellar. I have eaten a load of crap, PB'd alot, and generally not eaten healthy. Mainly because the last thing I want to eat is salad or healthy food when I feel like crap. However, the scales were up slightly this morning but I am still under 100kg and I am happy with that.

I have 2 weeks before I go to Lebanon for the weekend and 4 weeks until I go to Cambodia. Today I am focusing on eating a bit better and once I am feeling much better I am going to do a small workout at the gym next week (probably just walking and some light weights - don't want to overdo it with the chest infection and all).

Hope you all have a great weekend...I am spending today huddled in bed again, later perhaps going to an art market with a friend for an hour and tomorrow we are doing another flea market stall to get rid of as much stuff as I can before shipping my stuff back to Oz!)

Here is to a FANTASTIC 2011!

2011-01-03T13:38:00.006+04:00

My New Year started off perfectly! Last year I was very sick with a tummy bug and previous years I had been travelling, so this year was my only year to celebrate New Years Eve in the desert....I went shopping and found that I fitted into many gorgeous dresses BUT they all are so short they don't hide much of my girly bits......but I did discover I have gone down a shoe size and managed to buy 3 pairs of heals (which I am now scared to wear out in case I get blisters or break my ankle in! - will need to wear them in around the office before going out dancing all night in them!)

Celebrations started - I headed to a friends house for pre-party drinks (NOTE: 3 bottles of champagne between 4 of us was a bit to much to start the night off)...and then we headed to her neighbours for a quick wine before heading out to our favourite party spot.

I had a fabulous night partying with my friends, singing and dancing along with the band and generally partying up a storm! We then left the bar at closing to head to an after party (after dealing with a situation where my friend had her bag stolen!)....At the afterparty I went to light a cigarette off a candle and poured the hot wax down my top and skirt! Ruined! (it is currently in for dry cleaning where I hope and pray it comes out clean - it is my staple outfit at the moment!) Then at 6am we headed to yet another afterparty where I got to see the sunrise over the Burj Khalifa and then I walked home at 7.30am...(luckly the second afterparty was in my tower block).

New Years Eve Celebrations

Sunrise over Burj Khalifa

New Years Day was mayhem....you would think that I would have spent the day in bed but sadly NO.....I managed to pass out for 4 hours, in fact I was stoked I managed to get out of bed after only 4 hours sleep. I was still drunk but had a quick shower and headed to a beach bar to watch my friend DJ. We continued to drink throughout the day, but I choose to drink white wine in the sun, which is SO not a good choice...I was passing out by 8pm...early to bed for me.....2 days later I am now fully recovered and looking forward to what 2011 will bring my way.

N@simi Beach New Years Day

So goals and resolutions? I don't usually set them because I never met 1 goal I ever made...but I do know that I will meet my main goals, just doing what I am already doing. However, the next 2 weeks I am focusing on getting back on track with the weight loss, going to the gym and giving up smoking....so far I am on day 2 of quitting and not doing to bad.....a bit headachey (but I can't tell if that is from withdrawals or the DT's from alcohol!) and definitely snacky, which I am trying to deal with.....

Hope everyone had a fabulous start to the New Year and may all your dreams/goals/resolutions happen....

My Word for 2011

2010-12-29T16:27:00.003+04:00

I am sure I did a post on my word for last year, but do you think i can find it? Perhaps I didn't do a post at all and just thought I did...and to be honest i can't even remember what that word was...If any of my readers remember could you direct me to the post or at least tell me what it was LOL! Obviously, I didn't live up to that word...or if I did I am not aware of it..

Anyway, this year's word is something you all know that I am going to pick. Why? Because it is the word I got tattooed on my wrist in Chicago...the word is BELIEVE. This is a strong word that I am living my life by. To believe in myself, believe in my capabilities, believe in what the future is holding for me and to believe that I can do whatever I set my heart and desires on.

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe." Gail Devers

I also Believe in each and every one of you and that your journeys are going to be successful (or have been successful as the case may be).

I Believe in this journey!

A very Banded Christmas

2010-12-28T16:19:00.006+04:00

......and I survived it! I had a wonderful weekend celebrating Christmas with friends in the desert...but the best of all is that even though I indulged, my band did NOT allow me to overeat in the slighest, in fact, I was very tight on Christmas Day but I still enjoyed a few mouthfuls of traditional feasting. But let us start at the beginning of the festivities.

Christmas Eve Eve....I wanted to have a very quiet night in considering I had to big days ahead of me...a friend wanted to meet for a few drinks before she was flying out very early Christmas Eve morning. The night ended up being MASSIVE and I ensured her that because she didn't want to miss her plane, she wasn't going to go to sleep and I would put her on the bus at 5.30am...what was I thinking?!. The night was one of the best nights I have had in a very long time. It was just the 2 of us out at our local (the other girls had already left the desert) and we spread Christmas cheer (tinsel confetti) and wore our Santa hats...all the boys we are friends with at the bar bought us many rounds of drinks and shots (the downfall)...at one point I was having tequila poured down my throat off the stage (something I have not done lately). We partied with the boys in the band, danced and had a great time...a few of us ended back at my friends house (she had to pack her bag at 4.30am drunk!) and I somehow managed to get her on the bus at 5.30am (I dropped her off in a taxi on my way home)....

Christmas Eve - 4 hours of sleep! Got on the scales and lost 300g this week...monthly measurements were taken and I dropped another 5.5cm (total 204.5cm overall) and then I was out the door doing some last minute shopping. We spent the night with friends celebrating a French Canadian Christmas. The hostess also has a lapband. It was a lovely night with lots of yummy food, although I was only able to eat a few mouthfuls before getting into difficulty...luckily she understood! As I was feeling hungover, I only managed 2 glasses of wine....got home at 2am...rang my family to wish them a Merry Christmas (it was already their Xmas morning) and went to bed.

Christmas Day - up early, only 5 hours sleep (remember only 4 hours the night before!) and I was awake albeit very tired and lacking energy. Skyped with my family for about 1 hour (it was their afternoon), they had eaten our traditional Christmas lunch (I was very jealous :) and they were all relaxing....I got very homesick and sad because I wanted to be there with them..I got to speak with both my Grandma and Grandpa which was great. A few pressies under our tree were opened and then it was on to Christmas Brunch. My friend and flatmate and my 2 Canadian friends (the one banded) and I enjoyed lunch, but it was a very quiet affair as we were all feeling the effects of the last 2 nights. Unfortunately being so tight I pushed the limits and ended up PBing, but do you think that would stop me? NO...I kept trying to eat after every visit to the bathroom and in the end I gave up....after so many visits to the loo I managed probably only 1/2 cup of food and 1 glass of wine. Home in the late afternoon and spent the night on the couch watching The Santa Clause!

but here is the good bit....In the past I would have devoured 4 plates of food and been so stuffed I couldn't move and would have eaten like that for days and gained 5 kilos+ over the whole festive season. This year I enjoyed myself without doing that (yes I know I pushed the boundaries a few times, but I was kept in check by Kiki who definitely did her job) and it was only over 2 days. The scales aren't too bad (up a little but not enough to cringe)....I am focusing on eating well this week and I know once New Year is over I will be back in the swing of it and back on track.

Here are a few photos taken over the weekend....

Spreading Christmas Cheer

Christmas Morning...yes I sleep with my BOOBS!

Sexy Santa?

Merry Christmas

I hope you all enjoyed your Christmas/holidays where every you are in the world.....

Hugs from the Desert!

All I want for Christmas is...............

2010-12-23T16:44:00.004+04:00

to wish my BOOBs and blogging community and their families a Wonderful Merry Christmas and a fabulous 2011. We are all going to continue to shine!

Thank you for all your wonderful inspiring support and friendship over the past year, who have made my journey so much more memorable! Hope your bands keep you "safe" over the festive season and if not, we know it's not the end of the world, we will survive and get back on track.....

Merry Christmas!

oh and I wouldn't mind finding this in my santa stocking Christmas morning....Please Santa I have been an extremely "good" girl!

Double Digits!

2010-12-17T10:23:00.003+04:00

I did it, the hard work paid off this week and this morning the scales sang out in joy (actually that was probably me singing for joy!). 98.9kg. A loss of 1.2kg's this week and bringing me to a total of 56.1kg's in 16 months....To finally be into double digits is a truly a major goal and one I never dreamt would happen again. I have not been this "small" since I was 18 years old! That is 18 years ago!

I have been very diligent in my eating this week and my restriction as been spot on....I did go out on Tuesday night for a few drinks with a friend who was heading out of Dubai for Xmas and it ended up being a very big night and I was a little worried that I had undone the good of the week, and then last night I had dinner and many drinks with 2 old friends who I used to work with 7 years ago, who are both now working in the desert. I ate about 3 oz of the best steak (I haven't eaten steak in months!) but left the chips and onion rings...thankfully my band was way to tight yesterday to even consider!

It was a great night, except for one incident, where 2 guys got into a fight and somehow I got pushed over in the brawl and landed on my backside...not classy whatsoever and I have a big bruise on my butt and very stiff and sore this morning....but the legend tha I am as I fell and hit the ground I did not spill a drop of my bullfrog drink! Not one drop! Ha ha, as long as I save the alcohol right? Anyway, I will give it a day or 2 and if I am still in pain I will head to the Osteopath for a sesh.

Socialising v's Weight Loss

2010-12-12T15:40:00.002+04:00

It's a struggle...and I don't know why....the past few weeks I have really been struggling with the socialising/weighloss balance and it sucks! I am finally feeling good about where I am at with my weight loss, looking good, feeling better and wanting to go out more, but of course this is hampering the weight loss efforts.

I did shakes/vegies for 3 days last week to just try and balance things out. It was hard to do, it was only for 3 days. I got major cramping in my left calf. Then Thursday comes around and I head out on the town...keeping in mind that I had weigh in the following morning. I was a little more careful on how many drinks I consumed and I didn't eat anything bad....had some vegies/fish before going out....and when I got on the scales on Friday morning, I had lost 600grams, not a bad effort considering the weekend before's blowout and really focused during the week...why am I disappointed? Because if I hadn't gone out I probably would have made that 55kg goal...I weighed in at 54.9 kilos....100grams off...a measly 100grams.

I even went to the loo again to see if that would help...but no....

I didn't go out Friday night, stayed in ate fairly well during the day (I usually have no restriction after a night of drinking, which is DANGEROUS!) and the past 2 days seem to be getting back on track. I have a few social things this week, but I should be able to make good food choices at those dinners and little drinking....except Thursday night...I have a big night planned again, catching up with friends for dinner and drinks the night before a weigh in...

so how do I balance out this new found social life/weight loss....I now in my heart that the weight loss journey is more important to me, but at the moment with the festive season upon us, it's hard to juggle....
Will I ever get under 100kg?

I am not 18 anymore!

2010-12-06T11:45:00.004+04:00

but I certainly partied like one this extra long weekend...and after last weekend's debauchery and promises of cutting down on the partying, somewhere along the line I forgot....starting Wednesday night and finishing Sunday night! Unfortunately I don't bounce back like an 18 year old does!

Needless to say, no loss on the scale this week...but I am OK with that....frustrated yes....but I know why. I am getting out, meeting new people, having a blast...but I do know that I need to reign it in to get the weight loss moving again. But this weekend was so good for me to in ways that I have forgotten exist.

I meet a guy at the bar, we chatted for a while and I gave him my number.... and we ended up going on 2 dates over the 4 day break. He was only passing through for a few days, but being taken out and romanced was nice. It's been far to long since I went on a date...it was good for the soul....I probably won't see him again (unless he is passing through here) and may not even stay in contact...but we enjoyed each other's company and it has put the faith back in the dating game for me.

this week I am going to do liquids for a couple of days as I have been quite tight (perhaps from so much alcohol?) and hope it will even out any damage that I may have done!

My Cambodian trip is all booked and I am super excited. I would really like to focus on getting another 5 kg's off by then (February 3rd). Kick butt!

Hope you all had a great weekend...

When hunger strikes look out

2010-12-01T16:58:00.004+04:00

All that eating I did last weekend for the hangover continued for a few days. I had no restriction for some reason and I was HUNGRY...like ravenous hungry...Of course last night the restriction hit me big time and I am back to sipping water and eating very little...but the damage is done! The results will show on the scales this Friday for the worst! Why could I not control it? I want that .7 of a kilo off to hit 55 and under 100kgs...so why sabotage myself?....who will join me at my pity party? Actually I won't be selfish, I don't want any of you to join in...I don't want to sabotage your weight loss efforts....just send me good vibes.

Today I found out that we have a 4 day long weekend, which I am looking forward to. UAE National Day tomorrow and the Hijri (Islamic New Year) on Sunday.... I might use these days to keep my self in the arse and get back to basics and hopefully next week I will see a good result.....

Eating a hangover

2010-11-28T09:03:00.004+04:00

So so bad this weekend! I ate fairly well last week and was hoping to see a good result on the scale on Friday. I went to see a friend DJ on Thursday night and I got stuck into the red wine. I haven't drunk red wine in over 4 months and well it affected me BAD! At 10.15pm I left to go home to bed....10.15pm! Trashbag at my finest....

but I was suppose to go meet some other friends and rang them to say that I wasn't going to make it.. some how I got talked into still going. I feel asleep in the taxi for the 25 minute ride and by the time I reached the bar I had sobered up a little and acted with a little more decorum! I ended up going home at 3.15am...5 hours after I was initially going to bed.

Needless to say, waking up on Friday morning was the worst. A hangover that lasted 2 days! and I ate everything and anything I could get my hands on....I had no restriction what so ever (although I only managed 3-4 bites of each meal during the week!)...why?

I did manage to lose a kilo though....but after the amount consumed over the weekend I have to have a strict week or suffer the scales next Friday. I also managed to lose 9cm overall for the monthly measurements.

So I ate my weight in food...and I wasn't celebrating thanksgiving! On that note, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends and that your bands behaved.....

but when will I learn?

Can you guess where I am going?........

2010-11-21T13:44:00.004+04:00

Can you guess? Still not sure?

This is one of my favourite countries in the world. I visited there back in early 2007 and fell in love with the people, the culture, the food, the history, this place took me totally by surprise. I had no expectations and it blew me away...it holds a special place in my heart....and I am heading there for a week in February. Cambodia!

Why?

Because I have a free flight that I have to use up soon and I needed somewhere cheap to visit...all the other options were getting to expensive once I paid for accommodation and food and touring around....so it was suggested by a friend to come visit him. I have not met him in real life before, but like most of us having met online, we have become firm friends. I am super excited about this trip. Totally unplanned, discovering new areas of the country (I am going down south for a few days) and flying across the world to meet a "stranger"...heck it sounds like BOOBS all over again! LOL

I am currently sorting out dates and flights and I can't stop thinking about it.....all on a whim! It's only 11 weeks from now...... Here is a photo of me taken at Angkor Wat in 2007.

I was about around 140kilos then. This visit will put under 100...that goal is so close I can smell it!

Bad Habits Relived Today

2010-11-19T15:56:00.003+04:00

This week has not been the best week eating and drinking wise and life in general. As you know I had a great time partying it up the past few days and due to lack of water and a few poor food choices (ie not enough good protein) and a few PB's I was noticing the lack of energy and pep in my step. This morning the scales were not kind, not bad but not kind...I really wanted to see a loss. Well I know I really need to get back on track NOW before I do any major damage.

And then I skyped with my mum............. and unfortunately it was not a happy hour of skyping, where we normally laugh and talk about my exciting future and me coming home.

Something I don't think I have mentioned to you before was while I was in the US my Mimi (grandmother) had a fall (on top of my 3 year old niece) and hurt her knees and ended up in hospital ...while she was in the hospital (thankfully) she suffered a stroke. I was told during the trip...I was very upset about it because I am so far away and I haven't seen my Mimi since my last visit home and well, she has been a huge supporter in my lapband journey (she is also one of the reasons I was able to get the band when I did). Luckily it was mild, but they think she may have had one before that (ie when she fell?) she had problems with her vision and with swallowing. She is slowly making a full recovery but a few secrets she has been keeping from the family have been made known. Like not sleeping in her bed at night and sleeping in the chair because she couldn't get in and out of bed on her own, that she wasn't eating properly (she hasn't done this for a long time) and basically not looking after herself like she should. My mum told me today that she is going into a hostel, where she can get extra care. The good thing with that is they can monitor her eating and as the hostel is part of the nursing home where my Pa is, she can visit him every day. I am sad because I cannot be there yet. I am so ready to go home but my finances are keeping me a few months longer than I really want. I want to spend time with my family while they are still here.

On top of all this, my mum then went on to tell me that a very close family friend has been given only a few weeks to live. She is my mum's oldest friend and although her illness is due to her being an alcoholic (which was alot worse than we all thought), it does not mean it's easier to cope with and to find out that it is going to be sooner rather than later makes it even harder.

Through the tears I asked mum if she actually had any happy news to give me....she didn't.......... so I have found myself eating crap all day and feeling sorry for myself. I have reverted back to old eating habits, something that I haven't done for a very long time....it just goes to show that I still need to work on the head space some more....that I am still dealing with issues by turning to food. I know it is just one day where I have slipped but it's something I do need to keep in check....but today I am going to stay miserable and curl up on the lounge and cry when I need to......tomorrow is another new day.....

No Bones About it

2010-11-17T13:56:00.005+04:00

In the past 2 weeks I have noticed big changes in my body. It seemed to have happened overnight. I have noticed in photos that my face is thinner and my chin is not longer doubled up and when I lay flat on my back I can feel and see my ribs and hips. I woke up the other morning laying on my side and noticed that my knees were hurting. I realised that my knees are getting knobbly and they hurt because they were rubbing together and the bones were making me hurt. My collar bone is showing through and I have found a sharp bone sticking out of my shoulder on my right side (not on the left)...not sure if that is normal, it doesn't hurt it's just there....and as I have felt collar or shoulder bones for over 16 years I don't know what is normal.

I am finding these changes exciting but odd. I get a glimpse in the mirror every now and again and just can't believe that it is me.....then I look at my wrist tattoo and remind myself that it is, that I BELIEVE in the changes that are happening.

I have been out two nights in a row, due to the Eid holiday, and have had a fantastic time, but my body is broken and I need to get back on the straight and narrow....I have a goal to get to! Here is a photo from last night. I haven't worn that top in 10 years and it's actually looser on me now....

Things are coming together

2010-11-13T09:48:00.005+04:00

I have had a stressful busy week, and I am over it. This weekend has been a quiet one, one which I needed. I am not feeling well and I feel that my body is breaking down. Thursday night I had a massive headache and feeling quesy, yesterday I had tummy trouble and today I have woken up with a sore throat! On top of all that last night I ate my way through a pile of junk food. Popcorn and lollies (left over from my US trip!), I think because I am pmsing a little.

But on a good note, I lost 2kg's this week which I am VERY happy with. I am well on my way to getting into the double digits. I also sold my car! I had a few people call and say they were coming and not turn up, I had a older arabic married man hit on me while his friend wanted to buy the car and I turned him down (obviously)...I told him his behavouir was unacceptable and I was not comfortable with it (one of the joys of living in the Middle Eastis you can shame a man regarding unwanted advances because the legal backlash) and his friend never did buy the car (I think it was a ploy to hit on women!), but I did finally sell it to a lovely italian guy (who was hot!) for a better price than the locals were offering. I have a deposit and just got to collect the rest of the money and do the transfer.
Selling the car is the final big thing that I had to do....now just got to pay off the small debt I have and save some dollars and I am home. It should be all smooth sailing from here.

This week is 3 day muslim holiday and I am looking forward to having 3 days off work. However, our office has decided to do Monday, Tuesday Wednesday...which means I have to go to work on Sunday and Thursday....why they didn't make it a day later and get a extra long weekend is beyond me....but that is how things roll in the office! 3 days is still 3 days off..... Most people go home (as in their home country in the Middle East) or away for this break, but I am going to enjoy some time in Dubai and just chill.

Anyway, that is all I have this weekend....I am feeling a little uninspired this week....

Money for a New Wardrobe

2010-11-07T14:15:00.008+04:00

As mentioned previously, I had a market stall at the local flea markets this weekend. It was quiet the profitable day. I managed to sell all my crap and just over half my clothes! the market was a busy one, I didn't realise it was so popular and the crowds hit right on opening time (some sales before to other stallholders). I made enough money to put towards some new clothes (although I think I will hold off for awhile and buy more clothes in a size or 2 down as I will get more wear out of them).

The demographic of the market certainly would not fit into my clothing, but did sell to a few select larger ladies...a lot of other's were buying I assume to "cut down" or alter....

One of my friends was sitting at the table with all my jeans on it. A male customer came up and held up a pair of jeans (my biggest pair) and said "very very big" (remember there is a language barrier for most), he then said "how could anybody fit into those, very very big!" . Well my friend (who is also male (his wife is banded too)) pointed over to me. This customer said NO WAY, I don't believe it...My friend went on to say not anymore, much smaller now...but this customer could not believe that I used to fit into them! Do I take that as a compliement? My friend was very excited to tell me this story! It put a smile on my face :)

In other news, here is 2 photos from the photo shoot at work...I think these were the nicest out of the 6 that were taken.

Also I don't think I have told you, but I booked my flight home for next year. I will be heading home in 5 months time...and as an added bonus I booked using my airmiles and go home for free (saving me a huge wad of cash, as the ticket was close to $2000!) The countdown has well and truly started...now just gotta get rid of the car....

Entering New Weightloss Territory

2010-11-05T09:38:00.002+04:00

Yay, I am down 1.7kg this week and am down below my lowest. I am at a new low (for many many years). My next mini goal is to get into double digits. Only 3.7 to go....
Fill wise, I have managed to eat ok this week with little trouble. I have even been enjoying salad, which, in the past haven't been able to eat when I have high restriction. Perhaps I have found my sweet spot for the moment?

I got to see the photos from the corporate shoot the other day. They are ok, one I really like...only head shots though...I will post one next week, when we get the all clear on them.

But the most hiliarious thing I want to share is last night I received a phone call from some random guy (I thought he was calling about the sale of my car), He said "good morning" yet it was night time, he asked how I was going, how my day was etc..I told him it was night time, he said he had just woken up and that his day was just beginning (even though he was on a local number). Something twigged, this wasn't about my car....He told me he got my phone number from a social networking site (one I had never heard of) I told him that he couldn't have because I don't use that site. He told me I should because I sounded nice.....I laughed at his pick up lines...and was half tempted to continue to talk to him...but I didn't, I wished him luck on his quest and said goodbye....I wonder who he meant to be calling, that girl has put my phone number on the site and might miss out on meeting someone!...AND I wonder who else will call?

On the phone call note, I need to seriously stop giving my phone number out. I am going wild! I received yet another call from a guy I apparently gave my phone number to over 2 years ago! I don't remember him and I gently let him down...Seriously, I love getting the attention now, but need to be more careful....

Market stall tomorrow...I really hope I can sell some of my clothes. I have put 2 of the 3 ballgowns I have on a site to try and sell but no queries yet....fingers crossed. Have a great weekend all

A compliment that keeps you smiling

2010-11-03T09:35:00.005+04:00

Something has changed in me since my recent US trip...everyone is making comments on how good I look, that my posture is back (I am not slumping anymore) and that I seemed different. I don't know exactly what has changed, but I feel it too.

We had professional photos taken at work on Sunday. EVERYONE had to have them including all support staff. I have never had my photo taken professionally before (particularly for work). So I put a little more effort into my wardrobe and even put on a full face of makeup....I wore one of the new dresses I bought in the US. First time I have worn a dress in ??? I don't know how many years...it felt good. Photos have turned out great....I will try and post one when I get my hands on them.

So all the compliements I have been getting this week has put a smile on my face, but yesterday was the best one. A friend said to me that "I didn't look like a heavy person anymore" that I looked normal (this said friend is the same one that commented only a few months ago on me still walking heavy....(rememeber that post?)). She also mentioned that I didn't walk heavy anymore.... that made my day, for someone to say I didn't look like a heavy person anymore (i.e. in my head I was hearing NOT A FAT PERSON ANYMORE!). I still fall into the obese category, but I am getting closer to just being plain old overweight.

The restriction is back and I feel it working Kiki properly again. Fingers crossed I see results on the scale this week...

Watch the Popcorn!

2010-10-30T18:56:00.006+04:00

Fill is doing nicely. Yesterday I was able to get some mushies in and my weight showed 1.3kg loss...so hopefully in the next week or so I will be in new territory with weight again...the fill is starting to get me on the move again.

Measurement day on Friday. I skipped last month because I was on vacay. Even though the scale hasn't moved, I was happy to see a small loss on the body.

Neck: 0cm
Bust: 1.5cm
Hips: 0cm
Waist: .5cm
Thigh: 2cm (1cm off each)
Calves: 1cm (.5cm off each)
Arm: 1cm (.5cm off each)
Total: -6cm
Grand Total: -190cm

Yesterday I was at the mall and realised there is a Garrett's popcorn. I have walked past this place a million times and never took notice. Ever since Chicago and the Garrett's popcorn escapade...whereby I found a new love of Chicago Mix...the disgustingly addictive crack that I can't stop thinking about...Garrett's jumped out at me like a jack in the box! It's dangerous to know that that crack mix is just 5 minutes away! I am holding strong at the moment. So today I thought I would try and stop the cravings and pop some healthy popcorn in the microwave. After 3 minutes the corn is popping away and get it out of the microwave only to find that it has caught fire and melted a huge hole in the plastic mircowave plate! Umm...what the? This has never happened before. The bag was smoking and the charred remains stunk the apartment out. I was horrified, my flat mate just laughed!

Check out the photo of the damage!

I ended up popping some on the stove, which I managed to stuff up, so perhaps it was the God's way of telling me I shouldn't be eating it...

So operation Roo is happening this week. I am going to get back to the gym regularly and focus on working with the fill.

Next weekend, we have organised a stall at a local flea market. I am going to try and sell some of my clothes, along with all the other bits and pieces I have collected since being in the desert (and don't need to bring home). The countdown has started.

I have managed to read a few blogs, but still not caught up 100%. I am trying to get on top of it...so if I don't comment, please know that I am reading!

All Time High Fill

2010-10-27T08:55:00.002+04:00

I got a fill last night. Holy Moly! He put in .5ml which brings me to 7.25ml. The most I have ever had and I am feeling it....not sure if I am overfilled, but the sensation of tightness is back. This is either going to get my weight moving down again or I am at a loss!
I am on liquids for 2 days and hopefully will settle down a bit.

To clarify on my last post and for some comments on my last post....when I refer to fanny hairs, I mean my va jay jay....(I know a fanny means bum in the US but not here!)...sorry for any confusion!

A Bikini Wax story

2010-10-26T08:57:00.003+04:00

Now that I am feeling much like my old self and recovered from the weekend, I have a story for you....yes as the title states....it's about a bikini wax.

After a month away, I was in dire need of a bikini wax...I needed to neaten myself up. I was going to get some lovin' this weekend (ok we all know how that turned out, but I digress). So last Thursday I headed off for a bikini wax. Somewhere near work. I haven't been there before for a bikini wax, however, I have had my eyebrows threaded there numerous times and out of the four times I have had one bad experience (with one girl). I don't ask for her anymore and always ask for the one that does my eyebrows exactly how I ask for them. Anyway, I head for the bikini wax and it didn't occur to me that I would end up with the girl that did a bad job on the eyebrows.

Now I only get what they call a half bikini. Just the edges of the leg and I usually get about 1cm or so on the inside (you know, just enough to be neat) and some off the top...a trim you might say....so I pull my knickers across the vag jay jay and she does her business. She asks me to check it out to ensure it is the way I want. SHIT! she has taken off about 2.5cm's off on the inside. I told her that she had taken off way to much, why would she do that? She apologoises, but heck not much I can do about it now...and she proceeds with the other side.
When she is finished I look down. She has taken only 1cm off the other side (as per my original request). She thought she was doing the right thing.......... I look at her in disbelief....and say to her that she can't leave it like that...she looks confused....I try and explain? I basically have a landing strip which is leaning to one side! A plane would run off this landing strip! I start to laugh (from frustration rather than it actually being funny) and she fixes me up (still confused as to what she has done wrong!)....she seriously thought she was doing the right thing by only doing 1cm on the one side...as if! So she balances me out and I definitely am on the very fine line of landing strip...near enough to a brazilian....honestly some people just don't think..

Needless to say I will ensure that I do not ask for her for anything in the future.....I regaled my friends with this story and told them that I would have to go to my normal bikini waxer (some 25 minutes drive away) and ask her to fix my fanny hairs!

This story was posted for Jen from Life's Little Journey as she embarks on her very first bikini wax adventure....I am sure you won't get a lopsided landing strip!

Minimal Vacation Weight Gain

2010-10-23T19:43:00.002+04:00

I have post holiday blues...I am slightly hungover and in bed at 7.30pm on a Saturday night (remember that is like a Sunday night for you). I want to be back in the US having fun playing with Mickey Mouse & Co, but alas I am back here and feel like I haven't been away. At least I only had to work 2 days last week, but tomorrow its back into the swing of it.

Friday weigh in proved to be a delight. After getting on the scales on Monday night when I landed and saw a nearly 7kg gain I was freaking out....but Friday's scales showed only a 1.9kg weight gain. I was very pleased. This week I am going to book in for a much needed and overdue fill to get me back on track and get my portions down again. I basically had very little restriction over my holiday and ate far to much, but enjoyed it.

This weekend was a huge celebration weekend. My friend flew into town for her birthday (she is moving back to the sandpit in a few weeks) and we partied hard. Starting Thursday night and basically ended this afternoon when I got home. I am not suffering as much as I should considering the amount of alcohol consumed over the weekend and not alot of food. I was a total TrashBag!
Remember the guy I started "seeing" 2 weeks before Chicago? Where basically we were going to be very casual, no strings attached and remain friends too? Well, last night he did the unthinkable and picked up some girl in the bar in front of me, after what I thought was a night of us being together. A few choice words were spoken and I am very hurt and upset. He contacted me today to apologise for hurting me, that he didn't mean to hurt me and that he hopes to remain friends(because regardless of his behaviour regarding his lovelife he is a nice guy). I knew going into it that he was a player and I would be the one that would get hurt...I guess I cared more than I thought. I just need some time to lick my wounds and give myself a good talking too! I need to re-evaluate what my needs and wants are. I know I deserve better and perhaps I need to respect myself a little more.....He knows how hurt and upset I am and that I was angry with what he did and I know my friends (who are friends of his) will be putting there 2 cents in to.....and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable. I just need to move onwards and upwards....But really, how do I get myself into this mess...because this is what happened with the Nigerian guy I was seeing early in the year...he did the same thing!

Anyway, the next few days I am going to upload some holiday snaps and update you on my trip.

Back from Vacay - What a Blast

2010-10-20T17:22:00.004+04:00

Well I am back in the sandpit after a month long holiday in the US. I had an absolute blast, starting with the Boobs weekend in Chicago until my very last day in Universal Studios in Orlando.

I have lots to tell and lots of catching up on others blogs...I am endeavouring to read all of your blog post from the last month....possible? Insane? yes to both! LOL

I ate and drank my way through the US and I am a little worried about weigh in day on Friday. I hope I am not to disappointed, but if the damage is to much it's just more motivation to get back on track. I did a tonne of walking each day (10-12 hours most days) around the parks, and thankful for the training and the weight loss...I would not have survived if I hadn't lost the weight...hopefully the walking burnt some of the calories off. I also did a tonne of shopping and excited to wear some dresses I bought (when my tummy goes down a little more, very bloated at the moment!)

I will post more in the next few days with photos and stories. I have a huge birthday weekend planned with a friend but once that is over I am fully yours again!

Here is a pic of a little souvenior I acquired in Chicago (I DIDN'T CHICKEN OUT, LIKE SOME OF YOU! LOL), it's healed nicely now and I love it.

BOOB's rejuvenated my soul

2010-09-28T05:58:00.003+04:00

What an overwhelming but absolutely amazing experience Chicago was this weekend. You girls don't realise the impact that you have had on me. To walk into a room of 50 women and instantly feel like you have been welcomed home, is just to special to put into words. These girls that have followed my journey, supported me and offered tips and advice through my journey as I have been following their journies is life changing. I am truly blessed to have met you all. This weekend truly rejuvenated my soul and the deep emotions that have stirred inside of me leaves me teary eyed. I feel like I have lost a part of myself, but I know really that I have enriched my life by meeting you all and you being a part of my life now.

I am glad I arrived a day before as the jetlagged nearly wiped me out. I think I did well to have been awake for 47 hours and still hold a conversation! (sorry I didn't go out afterwards!)

From the moment I met my first BOOB's in the lobby (Lara, Deb, Gilly and Joey) to saying goodbye to Sandy Lee on Monday morning I will cherish every single moment. Meeting my heroes old and new (as in blogging and banded, not in age!) was a real honour.

I am proud that we completed the 5k Susan Komen Charity run and even prouder that I was able to jog most of the 5km's in approx 47min. with a hangover to boot! Watching Chicago go by on the architecture cruise was great, even though I froze my arse off! The things I put up with to be with my fellow BOOBs! LOL! But I got to snuggle with Catherine and Sarah...thanks girls!

Going shopping and spending 2 hours in Victoria Secret and ending up with 3 bras and 5 pairs of underpants (paying only for 4 but was suppose to only buy 3!) finding I fit into a US size 16 and finding shoes to fit was a pleasure. Discovering that Chicago mix popcorn is disgusting yet addictive.

Being so proud of each and everyone of us at dinner when I learned that we had lost 3,434 pounds between us. That is one huge accomplishment, hard work and a success.

I did end up getting my tattoo on the Sunday and it turned out better than I expected. For those that are curious I got the world Believe on my left wrist with stars. To believe in myself, my journey, my success and that I can believe that I can do what ever my heart desires!

The girls that organised this weekend did the most amazing job and I want to thank each of you for putting together a memorable event.

I will be off line for most of the next 3 weeks and just wanted to quickly post this. I have posted some photos on fb and will endeavour to upload some to the group photos and on here on my return.

Sassy-fying myself for BOOBS

2010-09-20T13:31:00.004+04:00

In honor of meeting all of the girls who are going to BOOBs this coming weekend, I thought it was time to spruce myself up and be presentable, go all out......so I had a haircut last night and I have to say I LOVE IT (although a little shorter than I expected)...but am very happy with it. Very sassy...and this morning I rolled out of bed and didn't need to touch it....went to work with bedhead, but in a good way! That tussled, meg ryan look (well I like to think of it that way, maybe not as good as her's, but you get the idea!).

Today and I am also having my eye brows threaded (alternative to waxing!)...see told ya I was going all out. The only thing I won't be doing before I fly (due to time limits) is getting my woo-ha waxed (bikini line that is)...sorry girls, it's just not at the point where it is needed....that area is quite groomed enough...

Here is a photo of the new do, taken this morning when I got to work (before anybody got in!)

I only have 2 sleeps to go.....

On the move

2010-09-19T08:22:00.004+04:00

Roo is on the move....I spent the better part of Friday moving my stuff into my new place. In fact, hiring a man with a van took so much stress off...they had me moved in 2 hours....then I spent the day cleaning the old studio and unpacking a bit at the new place.

Scales didn't show a loss on Friday again! Very frustrating....

Friday evening saw me drinking a few vodka's and doing cocksucking cowboy shots at home BEFORE I left the house to go meet my friends out (those on FB already know all about cocksucking cowboys and if we can get our hands on the required booze, we can all partake at BOOBS. Needless to say, it ended up being a big night (with too much booze and smoking)....but a fantastic night! I meet up with the boy from last week and all is a-okay. In fact we had a big D&M and sort of cleared the air as to where we stand.....I unfortunately had to do the walk of shame through the hotel lobby the following day, holding my head in my hands with the hangover that I had....

I slept for 11 hours last night and am still broken! Coffee IV stat!
The nice surprise is that my weight was very down this morning (which could be due to dehydration)...and I am not going to register anything until Wednesday (my last weigh in (although 2 days early) before I leave for Chicago.

Confidence is back baby!

2010-09-11T17:14:00.004+04:00

More on the flirting post....I went out with a friend last night to my favourite bar. My friend is not living in Dubai anymore and was visiting for the weekend. I only go to this bar with her and her friends (which was like her second home when she was living here). It's a divy, sleazy bar, but the music is awesome, the people are fantastic (from all walks of life) and it's the type of bar that you don't have to be on "show", it gets packed out and everyone has a great time. I feel completely comfortable in this bar and I always have a great time.
Last night, I got lots of attention from lots of guys (which is not unusual in this bar, but I noticed it more last night) and I got lots of flirting practice in. I felt totally confident again, which could have been associated with the amount of alcohol that was consumed. Seeing that we know the manager and bar staff, lots of shots were taken and lots of free drinks! See why I don't make a habit of going to often? One of the regulars (who is also a friend), came up to me and told me how fantastic I was looking and that it was really good to see me. He is a bit of a ladies man, but I didn't care, I had been attracted to him for awhile and I needed some long overdue attention!....the night was amazing, dancing, singing, partying with my peeps. So how did the night end? all I am going to say on the matter is that I was taken to breakfast this morning :) LOL....*shock horror gasp* please don't judge, this is also something I don't make a habit of, I am not that girl anymore, but it was fun and I know I will see him again.
On the weight loss/plateau/non scale movements...nothing again this week but I am not to concerned ( a little disappointed but not concerned)...my body shape is changing, which is a good thing, and I will deal with the scale movement when I get back from the US.
Anyway, back to packing up boxes (and suffering in silence). 1 week until the move and 12 days until vacay!

Forgotten how to flirt?

2010-09-05T13:59:00.004+04:00

Firstly, let's get the weekly stats out of the way...they sucked and I had many unkind words with the scales this week. That makes 4 weeks in a row that I have not lost....I am well and truly on a plateau and I am so frustrated. This is the first real plateau that I have had since my journey started, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating! On the other hand, my monthly measurements were quite good. I lost 2cm's off each thigh (so those spin classes are working) and various cm's overall...I will post them tomorrow because I didn't bring my "weight loss journey" notebook to work.

So why the title? I have noticed lately that I am starting to get a little more attention and that my eye is wandering too checking the landscape out, and I don't know how to react or act for that matter when someone catches my eye. The other day, as I was getting my coffee before work, a guy smiled and said hi....we have bumped into each other most mornings, getting a coffee and then seeing each other in the smoking room (us smokers are banished to a concrete box of a room during Ramadan!). I sort of smiled and nodded back. At the end of the day, we saw each other again in the smoking room and I had to build up the courage to say as I left, "so same time on Sunday morning, coffee and cigarette?" He laughed and said see ya. I left with a smile on my face, not necessarily because I was interested in the guy, but just the fact that I "flirted" with one. Something that I used to do so flirtly and freely way back when I was younger and thinner.....I had to think hard about that line and force it out. I am glad I did, but I have totally forgotten how to flirt? It's certainly not coming naturally anymore.....
I suppose it is a start.............

And up and down post!

2010-08-29T11:55:00.005+04:00

Wow, I seem to be so busy and stressed but I am not sure with what? Does that make sense....today just feels like I want to rip my bosses throat out and I just go cry in the corner.....not that my boss has actually down anything different to the normal crap I put up with...so those feelings are coming from within....maybe I am PMS'ing (for the first time in my life!)...maybe because I am off the pill and my body is adjusting to normal hormones? Yes you probably all think BITCH, she doesn't suffer PMS, but I truly and honestly have never suffered with it....but if this is what if feels like....I feel for you girls that do. I just don't know why I feel this way.

I know I definitely need a holiday and Chicago and Disney are not coming fast enough.

I didn't lose anything again this week...that is 3 weeks in a row...the longest plateau that I have had and it's frustrating the hell out of me....next week better show something or I will throw my scales out (well not really, but I will be having words with it).

My mini vacay this weekend was nice, but not as relaxing as I was hoping. Let me just say When checking into a hotel, ensure you have booked for the correct day! Firstly, we (meaning me and a friend) arrived to check in and found that there was no booking for me....after some harsh words, discussions and sorting out, it turned out that I had inadvertently booked for the following night instead! After apologises, more harsh words, threats of never using the hotel chain again, the clerk agreed to change our booking and hope he wouldn't get in trouble (see it was a complimentary night voucher stay, so apparently some big approval process!) whatevs....it's summer, half the hotels in Dubai are empty, you have availability, what's the problem? Once settled in, we realised that he gave us a Queen bed (instead of a twin) and after what we had just gone through I wasn't going to go see if we could swap to a twin room...we would have to snuggle together for the night. We headed to the gym for a workout and then the pool.. being Ramadam, meant no drinking and no smoking (not that I could anyway being a gym pool)....then off shopping....which did leave a smile on my face, because I managed to buy a pair of size 18 jeans in Next (a UK High Street store) and that firmly cements me into the normal store size clothes range!

I also managed to eat half my weight in food over the weekend, but hopefully burned some of that off with the mega workout I did at the gym. At least I didn't drink this weekend.

Anyway, I am tired and frustrated and out of sorts and I don't like it....

A celebration and a vlog

2010-08-21T09:25:00.006+04:00

I celebrated one year and 50.3kg loss tonight with a friend who was there from the beginning. This lovely friend was there on both my surgery days and has offered support throughout this last year. She has also been very generous with rewards!

Tonight we hungout at her place, an arabic dinner, my Mumm champagne and great company. She is the best.

Here is a vlog, as promised (even though a week late).

With heavy steps........

2010-08-19T14:37:00.006+04:00

As a mobidly obese woman, when I walked or heaved myself around my steps were heavy, like I was walking with concrete blocks tied to my feet, or an elephant! My knees creaked, I couldn't bend my knees properly and my ankles were restricted in movement and I suppose you could hear me walking a mile off (as the ground shook!). At the size I was, who wouldn't have problems walking around and stepping heavy. God forbid I ever stood on someone's feet....I would have broken bones! Running? Well that wouldn't even bee contemplated....but I know it would have been super heavy steps. I struggled like any other person who is big.

Now that I have lost over 50kilos, I feel lighter than air, my knees bend, my ankles move and I don't struggle. I can run with vigour (ok not for very long but I can run!) I feel like I am walking on a cloud...until a friend in the office commented that I still had a heavy step, that she could hear me walking down the carpeted corrider....that I needed to learn to walk lighter? I thought it was an odd thing to say...but I have tested this and actually realise that I do still walk "heavy" and it's because I have walked like that for 20 years!

I am now aware of my steps and trying to train myself to step lighter to see if it makes a difference.

Has anybody else noticed the way they walk and particularly their steps? Are they lighter now that have lost some weight?

One year photos (to go with previous Bandiversary post)

2010-08-15T20:51:00.007+04:00

I seem to be having a few issues with vlogging, so a photo post will have to do for the moment. Here are some photos of today....1 year down (read previous post regarding my one year).

1 year on...Bandiversary!

2010-08-15T09:00:00.013+04:00

Today is my 1 year Bandiversary and what a year it has been....like a never ending rollercoaster ride! I never dreamt that my life would have turned around so much this past year and I have certainly discovered the real me and all the many great changes that have come with it. Yes I have had some real downs with it (including double surgery because my band slipped in the first surgery at the very beginning and a flipped port) but it's all part of the journey that just makes a person stronger! and there are plenty more ups and downs coming I am sure....but I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! No regrets!

So where am I today? What has changed? How do I feel?

I have lost 50.3kg (apart from the little gain I had over the weekend which I am not counting!). I measure monthly and have lost 174cm overall. I started this journey at a very tight Australian 26, today I am fitting into an 18 in my bottoms and 18-20 in tops (depending on the cut and fabric). I have had about 7 fills and 2 unfills. I have approximately 6.5ml in my 10ml band and will probably get .2-3ml today!

My body image? That has changed in the biggest way. I NOW look at myself in the mirror, I look at the body changes, I look at the imperfections and saggy skin and I like what I see (OK the imperfections and saggy skin are not exactly fantastic, but better than I looked a year ago, it's all part of the process). I never would have thought that I would like what I see. I sometimes still see myself as the morbidly obese woman, sometimes my head just hasn't caught up with the changes and I know as each day passes that will change to. I do see the changes in photos? Weird, perhaps, but I don't think many of us see what others see. We all perceive our bodies differently.

I am taking better care in my appearance. I put on makeup more, my hair is shiny and healthy (I still have some hair loss occassionaly and some of it is wispy with the regrowth). I love dressing up now and wearing all the funky clothes that I have always loved but not been able to buy in PLUS sizes. My skin glows, my nails are stronger. I have a sparkle in my eye!

My diet is definitely changed for the best. I know what my body needs to be nutured, what it needs to function and help me lose weight. I don't follow a diet nor do I count calories. I do try and do a mental calculation on roughly what I eat, but if I think I have eaten to many calories occassionally, I don't get overly concerned. I eat small portions of what I want, but choose healthier options mostly. My diet is based alot on fish and seafood now, with some chicken and red meat occassionally. I can't eat pasta, bread or rice at good restriction, when a little loser I can usually manage a tablespoon or two. I struggle with raw vegetables and salads when I have good restriction and I don't always get vegetables in after eating my protein, which can be an issue long term. If i do want something "naughty" I will have it and work it into my day. I certainly don't binge anymore.....those days are gone forever!

The food demon occassionally rears its ugly head and I make bad choices, but my body responds negatively and I can read the signs and get back on track. If I can analyse the emotions behind why I am reaching for crappy food and work it out....this is a HUGE improvement! I lived in denial for far to many years, hiding behind a barrier that could not be pentrated and punished myself with food on a daily basis....

Exercise? When I first started this journey I was working out a couple of times a week. I was then seeing a personal trainer twice a week for about 16 weeks, which was fantastic. I saw a huge improvement in my fitness and my general wellbeing....exercise is great for the mind too. However, since March when I had my port fixed, I haven't really been doing much. Laziness? ...but my weight continued to drop so I wasn't really to concerned. However, I know I need to get back into it as I see the loose skin and untoned bits. I also don't have as much energy as one should after losing 50kilos! I am starting to train for the 5k charity run in Chicago in 6 weeks time.

My health is 100 times better. My knees don't ache anymore. I can bend over and touch my toes (I can even see my toes!) and I don't feel like a huge elephant trying to do anything anymore. I get less migraine type headaches. I can sit in any seat comfortably and don't get scared that I am going to break it. I do not need a seatbelt extension on planes anymore! I have had a few issues with my back, but that is because of a gym injury and my osteo thinks that the issues will continue for a bit as my spine stretches again. He said after losing the amount of weight I have the pressure is off my spine and the vertabrae and cartiledge are springing back!! LOL!

I am sleeping fitfully and soundly and I know that my sleep apnoea is improving (or gone!).

So this year has seen major changes in my life and I am actually happy and content (never thought that would happen!). My doctor is amazed at my progress. He calls me his star patient, as no other lapbander has done so well....gotta be happy with that. I wonder what he will say today?

One of the more amazing things in this past year.... IS YOU. I have met so many amazing people through the blogs and I cannot thank you enough for your encouragement and support. You have made me happy and sad, laugh and shed tears, you are a true inspiration each and every one of you where ever you are on your journey......I don't think I would have done so well without you. Every tip, comment or words of wisdom have been appreciated.

So I wonder what the next year will bring?

I will hope to vlog tonight and post it as soon as I can. Love you all xx

The need to refocus and setting some mini goals

2010-08-14T13:38:00.004+04:00

I was on a high last week with my weight loss and reaching 50.3kg in just under a year. This week has been the total opposite and it seems that I have taken the foot off the pedal and not cared. Yes my weight is slightly up this week. I am pissed off with myself for letting myself slide back into eating crappy food, eating to much (since I had that fill out) and just not caring. It feels like I have self sabotaged this week. And I can't put my finger on why.

I know that we go through this occassionally, hell even "skinny" people do too..but why the week leading up to my Bandiversary? I just don't know....and it sucks!

Tomorrow is The day and I just rang to make an appointment for a fill.......tomorrow....on my 1 year. Ironic? Clearly I am just not in the right headspace yet to think that I don't have to rely on the band. I have come along way in the past year and, yes things are changing, but not enough yet....hopefully as more weight comes off I will be more confident in food balance.

I went to a friends house for drinks last night....and I wore a size UK 16 skirt....I can't remember the last time I wore a 16...and it felt fantastic, but I couldn't help thinking but you have put on this week and you have no self control, you shouldn't be wearing this skirt....Where has this negativity come from? Onwards and Upwards I say (or downwards in this respect :))

So today I am suffering a little...my band is tighter because I am dehydrated and hungover....and I am sitting here thinking that now that I am at one year and 50.3kg's down (not counting the slight gain this week because that will be gone THIS WEEK) I need to set some more mini goals to work towards. I have hit two major goals I set myself in the last 3 months and I don't want to lose focus. So I am back to focusing on 5 kg's at a time. I would like to lose 3-4kg's before Chicago which is 6 weeks away...

I was hoping to be a little brighter and happier for tomorrow when I do my vlog....I just have to pick my socks up!

So I am off to greet the removalists who are arriving in a few minutes. I managed to sell most of my furniture to one buyer who is collecting it today. I am enjoying the last few minutes sitting on my sofa....Not sure what I am going to sit on for the next 5 weeks....and not looking forward to sleeping on an inflatable bed for the next 5 either! I am going to feel like a squatter living in my own apartment!

Have a good one everyone...see you tomorrow!

BOOBS: Susan G Komen For the Cure

2010-08-11T08:49:00.008+04:00

I am registered! I signed up this morning for the 5k walk (although depending on my back I may jog it/part of it) under the BOOBs team. I haven't done a 5k run in over 10 years and looking forward to it, especially doing it with the BOOB girls and for such a special cause.

Anybody else walking it?

Now I just need to do some training.........

It's Ramadan

2010-08-10T17:46:00.003+04:00

I remember this time last year....I was only a week or so out of surgery and on a liquid diet...I had to ask my boss if I could have special compensation to be able to discretly drink at my desk during the day, because I didn't want to offend my co-workers who were fasting, but there was no way I could go guzzle a litre of water in the lunchroom without PBing on my gentle fragile band.

........Yep, it's Ramadan. Starting tomorrow (we think! it depends on the moon crescent tonight) which means a month long fast during day light hours. Between sunrise and sunset the Muslim world will fast, that means no eating, drinking, chewing or smoking...it also means abstaining from intimate relations (during day light hours only? not figured that on out yet :)). Oh, this also goes for us expats living here to, although we can eat behind curtains and closed off/blacked out doors during daylight, so we can not do this in public either.....

This also brings a time for charity, giving, forgiving and family time. It means that those fasting only have to work 6 hours a day (while myself have the pleasure of covering the rest of our normal working hours, which sucks...perhaps I should fast?)

Being 50+ in the shade, also means there are going to be some very grumpy locals. School is back in session and it's going to be hell on the kids. The first week or so you notice there is a tendency for local muslims to get impatient, grumpy and tired (who wouldn't when they aren't eating or drinking). They will be having little sleep as there are extra prayers to attend and getting up for Suhoor (the meal before sunrise to get them through the day). Everyone races around late in the afternoon (and particularly a more dangerous time to be on the road) as everyone speeds home to make sunset, so they can break fast. As the weeks go by it does settle down a little as their bodies get used to the fasting ritual.

Typical foods that are served during fasting are dates, honey, milk, juices, harissa or chorba (both nourishing soups), thick stews and an Emirati local dish is Harees, which is a boiled wheat and lamb dish that is pounded into a thick paste, and lots and lots of sugary, syrupy sweets. Basically anything that nourishes the body and replaces much needed vitamins and minerals and anything energy boosting!

Fast is broken with Iftar, which in the desert here, are lavish affairs in the hotels....basically they are huge buffets offering all the above foods and then some served between sunset and usually about 8pm.....

Many prayers occur during the day and extra ones during the night. Obviously there is so much more to Ramadan that I will not go into here, but just do a search and you will find loads of info!

It is an amazing time when living amongst it. Those living in "western" countries may not notice that muslims in their community are fasting as their day to day routine may not change so much. This will be my third Ramadan, and second one banded....it's going to be a interesting month!

"Weight" for it...I did it, no shakes needed!

2010-08-06T19:55:00.008+04:00

I did it! and I didn't need to do the shakes...and I still have a week to go before my Bandiversary. I lost 1.6kg this week which brings me to....."weight" for it....50.3kg(110.5lbs) (! I hit my 50kg by my bandiversary goal with a week to spare! It was also measurement day:

Measurements:

Neck: 1cm

Bust: 2cm

Hips: 2cm

Waist: 1cm

Thighs: 2cm (1cm on each)

Arms: 1cm (.5cm on each)

Calves: 2cm (1cm on each)

Total: 11cm

Grand total: 174cm

Even better news is (although I know that losing 50 kilos is monumental) is that this is the smallest I have been since I was 19....that's 17 years. For 17 years I have seen my weight go up and up and very rarely did I see it go down (and not alot when it did!)! 17 years of hiding behind my fat and struggling! I feel liberated today and I can finally see the changes....not just in my size, but the way I view myself, my body image and my outlook on life. I am so proud that I can finally understand how I really feel about myself, that I can do this and conquer obesity once and for all. I can't thank the love and support of my family, my friends, my wonderful blogging friends who have offered so much to my journey and of course to my doctor who made this all possible. (I feel like I am making an Oscar's speech!)

Next week is my 1 year Bandiversary, so look out for a vlog...and some photos!

Ms Farty Pants

2010-08-04T13:47:00.006+04:00

I'll admit it, I am farting look a trooper and it feels bloody good! I'll also admit that I am no lady when talking about farts...ladies "fluff" or "break wind" as my mother and grandmother would tell me....you can't rip out a good "fluff"...it doesn't have the same meaning....one must rip out a good fart...you know what I mean? Thankfully they are not smelly because I don't have a dog to blame it on! Nor can I dutch oven somebody...because it is only me in the bed...hahaha

Anyway, since I had my little unfill last week, I have been wallowing in the most amazing tasting food that I rarely have or unable to have eaten since being banded....I am talking about salad and vegies (raw vegies!). Oh my, my body does not know what has hit it but I am feeling good, gas and all. LOL!

I have been ordering a half greek salad and half bean salad for lunch (and leftovers the next day or dinner) and it is so lush....I have also been putting spinach and tomatoes in an omlette in the mornings for brekkie and I have been able to poop nearly every day, regularly....we all know that this is an issue with most bandsters and I feel squicky clean (is this how one feels after a colonic treatment?).

I am eating much more, but making healthier, wiser choices so I don't gain this week. I still have restriction which is good, but not tight at all. I am not sure whether I will get another fill before my US trip or wait until I come back.

On the stalker front, I am glad to say that things have quietened down, except last night I bumped into him after work and he sort of hovered around me, while I was trying to book a table for a work function and then he followed me to a restaurant where I sat down and pretended to be texting on my phone, while he "spoke" with the waiter there and I didn't make eye contact. I ignored him. Only to then leave the restaurant and walk straight past him as he was manning the door of the bar he is working at (by accident). Thankfully, I had a friend with me and I sort of just walked past. He said hello and all I could do was say hello back...He asked how I was and said long time no see...I just said yeah and continued to walk by....he did stare at me as I went down the escalator and we could see his reflection in the mirrors in front of us....even my friend thought he was creepy.... it's over and at least I can be polite as can be but brush him off at the same time....hopefully that really is the end of it....

Shake it up?

2010-08-02T11:11:00.002+04:00

With only 2 weeks to go before my 1 year bandiversary, does one go on a dreaded shake diet for a few days to get those pesky few pounds off to get to my mini goal for 1 year?

Could I bet setting myself up for heart break? Or is this a wise decision?

A weekend of stupidity...really!

2010-08-01T08:44:00.003+04:00

What a weekend and I can honestly say I don't think my head has been screwed on right....and I think it started on Thursday.

Last week I was super busy...I was on top of it, on the ball, working through the list and feeling like a rockstar...until Thursday....when I felt like I said all the wrong things and asked the most stupidest questions (which I already knew the answers to!). I got a lot of blank stares....and looks of disbelief....where was my head?

Getting out of the office did wonders and went out to a friends birthday drinks at a trendy bar in the desert. It was a fabulous night, including the bottle of red wine I indulged in (the night before a weigh in....dolt!). When I got home (at 1am) I decided to checkout facebook and grabbed my laptop....believe me I should not have been operating heavy (or light weight in this case) machinery. Somehow I managed to yank the external hard disk out of the USB and now I can't access the hard drive....the thing that sucks big time about this....is that all my photos are on this drive (all 12 years worth of travelling photos!) I freaked out!!!!!!!!!!! I have a back up of some of these, but nothing from the last 10 months, including my India trips and all my progress photos of my WLS journey....I am broken hearted. I am trying today to see if I can get this fixed...my fingers are crossed.

Good news on the scale Friday morning, which is the only thing that was in my favour this weekend...I lost another 1.1kg's...even after that bottle of red!

The rest of the weekend I just bumbled along, feeling like everything I touched didn't go well. Packing boxes for the move, breaking and spilling books all over the floor, spilling milk, chopping up and preparing all my vegies and meat to find there is no gas to cook on. Does anybody else have days like this? Yesterday afternoon, I went to a friends house to watch DVD's (there are a few of us that get together to do this quite often). I packed a bag of goodies (dips, crackers, chips, water etc) and I picked it up on my way out (along with two bags of rubbish to throw out)....when I got to my friends house no bag of goodies....can you see where this is going?

Yep, I had thrown it out with the trash!

I crawled into bed last night, thinking it was getting really late, it was 10.30pm and I like to read for a bit before falling asleep ...only to realise it was actually 8.30pm.....so an early night did me the world of good.

BOOBS - Clothes Swap (Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants?)

2010-07-28T08:40:00.002+04:00

For all those that are going to BOOBS I was wondering if you were interested in doing a clothes swap/sisterhood of the travelling pants type thing? I have so many clothes that are in great condition, some even with tags still on them and can't get rid of them here in the desert. They range from 20-26 (mostly UK or US sizing) and I was thinking of bringing some of the stuff to pass on to other banders that perhaps are in those sizes.

I in turn would love to be able to find some clothing that fits me, that someone could donate to my cause :)...I am currently a 16-18-20 depending if it's top or bottom, because I am getting desperate!

Thoughts?

Sweet Relief ...... an unfill

2010-07-27T08:08:00.005+04:00

I managed to squeeze in at the last minute last night (just before our Support Group Meeting) to see the doc. Yesterday was not an easy day with Kiki, she rebelling against water and such does not make for a happy Roo....

As I went into the surgery, I had all manner of thoughts racing through my mind, that my pouch had dilated, that my band had slipped or the doc would want to stick a camera down my throat for a looksie....well I can safely say that I had nothing to worry about....yet!
I hopped on the scales, which are always about 1.5-2 kg's heavier than mine and it appears that I have lost about 12 kg's since my last fill 10 weeks ago...that's crazy! Even I didn't realise that.....

After describing what was going on, he agreed that I was very inflamed and that I should have .5ml taken out of the band. I voiced my concern that I didn't want to gain weight....that I was worried that once everything calmed down and the hunger returned and I wanted another fill it would be to close to me going to the US. I don't want to be too tight while I am in the US, but of course I don't particularly want to gain either. That 2.4kg to my 50kg goal by my bandiversary is very fresh in my mind. He said that it was ok, that it wasn't my band, that it was just inflammation and there was plenty of time to sort it out. If things don't get better by Saturday, he would take another 1ml out and then after that decide what to do, if any problems.

I also voiced my concern that lately I have been feeling a little anxious about eating....I sort of get stressed and tighter when I am about to eat. He thinks it's just linked to the pain and pb's that I have been experiencing in the past few weeks and that once I can drink and eat better that should resolve itself. That anxious feeling I link to triggers for binge eating/eating disorders/body image issues and I am thankful that I can understand my emotional state and my body signals enough to speak up about it. Interestingly, we had a psychologist attend the support group meeting last night which was great and answered quite a few questions that I had about emotions/body image/head space dealing with weight loss etc...obviously I still have some issues to work through.....but I digress....

My doc is super proud of me and can't believe how well I am doing with the lapband. I am one of his star lapbander patients, which my ego liks alot! :) So I got up on the table and he felt around my tummy and said that my skin was behaving very well....ummm "have you seen my arms". So I showed him my gummy guns and he agreed that I would have a problem with my arms....my batwings are jello.....because of the rapid weightloss they are swinging in the wind....he suggested I see a plastic surgeon in December to look at some options....unfortunately finances will not allow that luxury just yet....gummy guns are going to stay awhile longer.....I always thought that my tummy would be the worst to come out of this weight loss journey, I never dreamt that my arms would be it. Don't need to think about that now......

After finding the port (through triple scar tissue which is going to be a problem) he pulled out .5ml and voila...instant relief....as disgusting as this sounds, but any bander that has experienced excess slime will understand, as soon as that fill was out it all sort of just passed through the band and I felt "clear"! Water never tasted so good (when it's not swilling around the top of your esophagus!)

I am supposed to be on liquids for a couple of days, and this morning I feel a million times better already.

A good friend of mine is taking me out for a belated birthday dinner tonight. Not sure where she is taking me. I was told to wear something dressy and pick her up in a taxi on the way through....On the way through to where I am not sure....so liquids will be out of the question, but I will make a wise choice when it comes to the menu.

anyway, back to work I go.....dreaming that the next 8 weeks will go super dooper fast!

Re-setting the Major Goal

2010-07-26T08:31:00.007+04:00

I have been thinking about this for some time. Initially, when I started this journey I set my weight loss goal of 75kg (which is at the top of my healthy weight range). Which means that I would need to lose 80kg's. I don't ever remember weighing 75kg, but I must of down (albeit very very briefly) at some point in my life, although I am sure it was just before I was a teenager.

Anyway, a discussion took place a few weeks ago and that figure of 75kg, although falls at the top of the healthy weight range may be a little low, initially. That perhaps I should focus on getting to a higher goal and see how I feel and look and then take it from there. I remember my GP a few years ago, stating that 75kg may be to low for me because of my height and body shape, that I may look gaunt (which wouldn't be healthy anyway).

I certainly don't want to be extreme and push for a goal that could be unattainable, which could trigger off a whole bag of emotional worms nor look healthy at. If I get down closer, say within 10kgs of that goal and not be able to do it, I know in my head that I would feel like a "failure". Have I set the bench mark to high? Okay, I really know that I haven't failed because I already know that by losing the weight I already have I have got my life and health back no matter what, but that feeling of failure is going to raise its ugly head.

So to reset that goal, what figure do I work towards? I know I don't really need to choose a weight figure, and could just continue until I felt like I was in the right place, but a figure will guide me and ultimately give me something to work towards. So I was thinking perhaps 80kg goal (that's only 5 kilos higher than I had initially planned) and when I get to that goal and feel that I could lose some more I know that 5kg's wouldn't be sooooo hard to work at.....

I think I have already decided in my heart to change it to 80kg and work from there depending on how I feel.

Has anybody else re-set the ultimate goal during their journey? How did you decide? Or has anybody reached their ultimate goal and found that that you are to skinny?

Slowed down but still going down

2010-07-24T17:03:00.005+04:00

I only lost 300grams this week, which was a little disappointing as I had a fairly good week, but it's still a loss. I am super tight and not able to get much water into me. I think I am eating to fast and not chewing properly, so getting stuck and pbing a bit more than I was. So need to concentrate on all that. It's crazy, it's been weeks since I had my fill but I feel tighter. I get some pain ocassionally and I am a little concerned that there might be something wrong. I need to talk to the doc, but I don't want to hear bad news.

I spent the weekend watching Master* Chef as the finale is on Sunday, doing some cooking (new recipes up on my food blog) and did a bit of packing.

Only 8 weeks to go before I move in with a friend and that means only 2 months until BOOBS! Can't wait to meet all the girls and to do some clothes shopping, because at this point I will becoming naked as I don't have much to wear....nothing casual and only 2 or 3 things to get me through....I have a few things for work but who wants to wear work clothes on holidays!

Busy week coming up....still covering for annual leave and it's exhausting.....my friend is taking me out for a belated birthday dinner. I was told to wear something dressy and it was a surprise.......interesting....
on the "stalker" side of things, I haven't heard from him again, so I am hoping that this is the end....on the humerous side I was a little dismayed that none of my male friends stepped up to the plate to be my "boyfriend" or perhaps they don't consider themselves as strong and sexy (which was the criteria! LOL)

A stalker returns

2010-07-22T09:19:00.004+04:00

Not sure if I ever mentioned but I had a "stalker" about 2 years ago. I met him while he was working as a bouncer in a bar, he seemed nice enough and I agreed to go on a date with him...it was ok, I wasn't really interested, but company is company sometimes, he headed back to his home country for a few months holiday, but he continued to ring me all the time. No problems, I was happy to chat...then I got a text message with a marriage proposal...for real.....very serious.....my alarm bells started clanging and whistling and I gently declined (while chuckling to myself because I had been dumped by text message the week before from someone else I was seeing, (a breakup and a marriage proposal in a 2 week period).

Anyway, maybe I bruised his ego or crushed him but I didn't hear from him after that. It wasn't until about 8 months later (Valentines Day last year in fact) when I was going on my first date date with the Nigerian guy, that I received another text message from him, begging me to see him....WTF? I wasn't interested and his behavouir was freaky and this is when the nightmare began. I ignored calls and text messages hoping that it would go away. Thankfully I had moved and he didn't know where I lived, nor where I work specifically (although he knows the area).

Eventually after a few months I spoke with him and told him to stop calling, to leave me alone and that I was not interested. He was deleted from my phone and it finally stopped and I have been free from this crap since... until last night when I received a message (of course from an unknown person because he was deleted from my phone), saying that he missed me and wanted to see me. At first I didn't think anything of it...but I knew in my heart that it was him....next thing my phone rang and I answered it because I was waiting on an important call and not thinking about if it was him. It was.......he basically started out by saying hi, how are you? I have missed you and would like to see you...do you remember me? HOW COULD I FORGET! I was like WTF? Why are you ringing me? I don't want to see you, I am not interested. He said he was working again in the same area as I work (across the road in a bar) and wanted to see me. I told him that I was seeing someone and it was not a good idea. He then asked if I was married to him? No I AM DATING SOMEONE (okay not really, but I blurted it out thinking it would help). But get this......he then asked if I knew someone that was like me, that I would introduce him to because he really wanted to meet someone like me.
MY GOD! AS IF I WOULD UNLEASH YOU ON ANYBODY I KNEW. I told him enough, that it wasn't going to happen and to leave me alone. Not 5 minutes later I receive yet another text message asking whether I knew someone that I could fix him up with.....I ignored it. My nightmare was starting all over again.....10 minutes later, he rang again. I answered the phone angrily and said enough is enough! Take a hint, to leave me alone.
The problem is, I can't make an official complaint because I don't want any trouble....I can't block his number (although I am trying) and it's not worth me changing my phone number for a few months (ie until I go home). I just really hope that it stops again, I won't answer the phone again to his number (in fact I am putting it back into my phone so I know not to)...I sure can pick 'em can't I!

So now I am on the hunt for a "boyfriend". I advertised the fact on my facebook status...I am a little saddened that none of my male friends have stepped up to the plate...LOL....

A Free Weekend Getaway and a Cozzie Comparison

2010-07-18T08:16:00.013+04:00

Friday morning I weighed in 0.8kg less, bringing me to 47.3kg loss. Getting close! Then I headed off for a weekend getaway...........

..........and I just got back. We were given complementary night vouchers when we brunched at the same hotel for my birthday. two of us ended up with the same hotel, hence 4 of us went away. Okay, it wasn't really "away"....the hotel is 15 minutes from my house, but away is away when you are in a 4-5 star hotel ANYWHERE! A staycation?

We arrived early on Friday and headed straight to the pool. It was 46 degrees, so we had a combination of shade and sun. Cocktails IN the pool during the afternoon (swim up bar!) and lots of sun and lots of dips in the pool to cool off makes for a rather relaxing day.

Our room was lovely, comfy beds, window overlooking the complex with the sun setting and complimentary L'Occitane toiletries....managed to score a booty to bring home with me, hey the housekeeping trolley was left alone in the corridor! LOL (does anybody else collect hotel toiletries?)

We dined again at the same restaurant as I had my brunch, but with a South American theme. Lots of ceviche, salads, nachos, burritos and other meat dishes. The food was lovely, however I didn't do very well with food the entire weekend...very tight!

dressed for dinner

The next day was pretty much the same. We had breakfast at a really yummy cafe (eggs Benedict with spinach and smoked salmon, hold the bread!, hazelnut skim latte) and back to the pool for pretty much the same as the day before (hold the cocktails). Saturday was much much hotter and we all got a little more than pink.

Now we all now I had trouble finding a swimming costume to wear. I managed to find a pair of bikini bottoms (and they are a size 16!!!!!!!!!), but I ended up wearing my old size 26 tankini top (i am more around the 18-20 now)....yes it was huge, no support in the bust and I had to sort of tie the straps down to make it fit a bit better, but it did the job, just, as long as I made sure I hoisted it up every now and again.

Took quite a few photos. But the most interesting one was the full body cozzie shot....and I new exactly which photo I was going to compare it with.....the left one was taken in June last year....the right side....now....

June 2009 at my biggest

July 2010
13 month cozzie comparison

same cozzie top super tight (above), loose and baggy and tied around my chest (below)

The joy of shopping

2010-07-14T11:47:00.002+04:00

I am desperate for a swimming costume. I am going away this weekend (ok I am staying in a hotel in Dubai!) and need a cozzie. Here everything is about the bikini and I can tell you a bikini will not look good on this bod (at any size!). There are huge sales on and everything is bikini separates that you can't match with your size or full piece that are tiny. The plus size store has a few crappy looking cozzie's or overly expensive.
So hitting yet another store last night, I bought everything but the cozzie! I did happen to find joy in shopping finally. I fit into normal size UK 18's! Not plus size 18...a normal size 18....in Debenhams (a UK department store). I was feeling pretty good. I ended up buying 2 skirts in a size 18, 2 skirts in a size 16 (for the upcoming weightloss :)) a pair of gladitor style sandels and a new bra! All one sale (except bra) and I just couldn't believe I fit into normal sizes.
I am finally excited about shopping again, although I do need to be careful as I know I could spend up a storm!

HUGE!

2010-07-13T13:24:00.004+04:00

The TV drama show that is....set in a summer camp for weightloss!
I have only seen the first two episodes and I have mixed feelings about it.
Thoughts? Comments?

Officially in the 100 club!

2010-07-09T17:45:00.004+04:00

We all know I work in kilos, occasionally converting to pounds for my North American contingent. So our milestones are usually different. Mine are like10kg, 20kg, 45kg, 50 kilos etc, where my American/Canadian friends tend to work towards 50 pounds, 60 pounds and 100 pounds etc (you get my drift?) so as a special treat for my pals across the Atlantic I wanted to tell you that I lost 1.4kg this week totalling 46.5kg's loss (that is just over 100 pounds!!!!!). Woot Woot!
Today was also my monthly measurements and I was really surprised with the drop....(remember I ain't been doing much exercise....still need to get this lazy butt into gear)

Neck: 0.5cm
Bust: 1.5cm
Hips: 1cm
Waist: 2cm
Thighs: 4cm (2cm on each thigh!)
Calves: 2cm (1cm on each calf)
Arms: 2cm (1cm on each arm)
Total: 13cm loss
Grand total overall: 163cm!

On the cold front (and I do not mean the weather) I am suffering more today...last night was the worst and it's going down into my chest...not happy. Resting up.
I decided to go see Toy*Story3* this morning. I love going to the movies by myself (although going with someone is great to), but there is something about going to the first movie of the day. Surprisingly I was unable to eat much popcorn (remember I can eat huge quantities without band related side affects), perhaps I am tighter because of my congestion. Anyway, I left the tub behind. I didn't want to bring it home to continue to nibble on. No point forcing it in if I don't really want it. The movie was fun...and I can't believe how many movies are coming out in 3D at the moment....I am such a big kid!

This afternoon I thought I would make some stuffed cabbage rolls. I have never made them before. My first batch turned out great, but the second batch not so much. Why? Because when I was steaming them in the bamboo steamer I forgot to put more water in the saucepan under it and it boiled dry AND THEN the bamboo steamer caught fire(Will be posting on my food blog later!). My Masterchef dream was shattered. LOL!

I am heading back to bedrest...good reading time (started on those 20 books I brought a few weeks ago!). Speaking of I was given 3 vouchers for bookstores for my birthday and can't decide on what books to buy. Any suggestions? I love travel, food, cooking, crime novels and anything in between

.Hope you all have a great weekend!

Heatmiser v Snowmiser

2010-07-08T08:49:00.007+04:00

As mentioned previously, it's effin hot here now that summer is upon us in the desert. It's getting over 45 most days and the humidity hasn't really set in yet (give it another month or 2). Everything is melting. The car is a furnace at the end of the day, actually it is like that at 7am in the morning to! Forget buying cold products at the supermarket without taking an Esky (cool box, ice box, Chilli bin and whatever else they are called around the world). Prawns can go off in minutes....ice cream lasts about 10 seconds........did I mention how effin hot it is?

On the flip side, go indoors and it's blast of cold airconditioning and it is a blessing, cooling the hot body...a few minutes later and it is like an Esky! LOL....Everything, and I mean everything including the busstops are airconditioned to combat the heat. Shopping malls are pumped with cold air making it Artic conditions in some places. I literally have to take a wrap or long sleeve top into shopping malls/movie theatres/work. There is no comprise.....it's either a furnace outside or Antartica inside!

That is why I have been sick this week with a bloody cold! I am stuffed up, my chest is wheezing and my head is thumping. I know I am not as insulated now that I have lost some weight but this is ridiculous! It was so cold in my office this week that my hands were icy and ached like I had a 75 year old ladies arthritic riddled hands....that is crazy and so not good....everytime I knocked my hand it hurt like hell...maybe that is a sign that I will end up with arthritis in my hands, but not at 36.

Thankfully it's a long weekend this weekend and I am looking forward to having a quite weekend (particulary as last weekend was huge) and lazing in on Sunday not having to go to work.

I hate summer and I am going through a I hate Doobs week too (but that is for another post!).

Birthday celebrations with new pants!

2010-07-03T16:16:00.006+04:00

Yesterday was my birthday celebration with a great group of friends. I organised a brunch at one of the hotels here in Dubai. It was a mid range brunch because I can't justify expensive brunches when I can't eat and drink (hehe) that much, but wanted my friends to enjoy it.

Yesterday morning, I jumped on the scale and lost 300grams this week which brought me to 45.1kg's. I hit my goal of 45 by my birthday celebrations. Looking in my wardrobe trying to find something to wear I pulled out a pair of pants that I wore 9 years ago when I was living in Ireland (they were amongst all the clothes that I got my mum to send over a few months ago). I didn't think they would fit yet, but the slid on and did up perfectly...I wore an aussie size 20 top (which I have not worn before) and the pants. I felt sexy!

There were 16 adults and I was spoilt rotten. I was given some bookstore vouchers from some friends and another friend made me a beautiful pair of earrings, Paco Robane Black XS perfume and lots of lovely comments about my weight loss.

Food wise I didn't do very well, in terms of everything I ate I PB'd! I tried some sashimi, I tried some fish curry and seafood mornay and some other softer food...I gave up! I had a few red wines and was very merry.

After the brunch ended we headed downstairs to a pub which was showing a football game and then headed back to my friends house for more drinks. My friends ordered pizza, which smelled awesome and I ate 2 pieces (this was 9 hours after brunch attempts)..this was the first time I ate pizza since being banded and I think it will be my last as it didn't go down! Yet my friend, who is also banded, managed to eat 2 pieces! grrrrrrr

It was a wonderful day and I was thankful to share it with great friends.

Today is a day of laying on the couch, watching movies and suffering in silence. I think that alcohol free zone will once again be enforced!

Don't feel as bad as I should... Birthday celebrations start early!

2010-06-29T16:46:00.005+04:00

Well the celebrations have started. As you know I have been in an alcohol free zone, meaning I banned alcohol for at least a month (perhaps even until my Birthday). Well last night (the night before my birthday) we had a work social event, to welcome in our new offices. I was going to not drink and save myself until Friday (the big birthday brunch celebration), but at the last minute decided that I would partake in 1 or 2.

My alcohol free time was in fact 7.5 weeks and I was a little worried how I would process the alcohol. Would I have tolerance? How much could I really drink? Would I be ok? I had nothing to worry about, and ended up letting my hair down. We had the really really big wigs in town for the event and a bunch of co-workers, the big wids and I ended up at a super trendy japanese restaurant after the event (which had the most amazing canapies and so very band friendly, like confit of duck bites and confit of salmon with pea puree). Anyways, onto the restaurant for more drinking and eating. Great little bite size portions of sashimi, soft shell crab, tuna, beef, chicken, tempura (do you really want me to continue with the drool fest?)

Needless to say it ended up being a fantastic night, albeit a late one. And I have a confession to make.....I am still smoking and it was a heavy one. I am really planning on giving up...I need to put the plan into action. After leaving the restaurant when the bar closed at midnight a friend and I were on our way home in a taxi and decided at the last minute to continue onto another bar for a couple. 2.30am was when I laid my head down on the pillow....what was I thinking? I think that was my downfall!

So here I am today, sitting at my new desk, in my new office, trying to hide the fact that I have a hangover. This morning I was surprisingly good, didn't feel as good as I would have liked, but certainly didn't feel as bad as I should with the amount consumed! This afternoon is a different matter.

No plans for tonight except sleep, because Friday will be the day to celebrate.
Oh yeah, I got on the scale this morning and I was just on 45 kilos down (perfect timing for my mini birthday goal). OK, It may not be for realz, because I am dehydrated, but I don't care I am going to take it (and be good for the rest of the week).

I have been overwhelmed with birthday messages on fb, email and lots of phone calls from friends and family back home. I am truly blessed with so many special people in my life.
So Happy Birthday to me! Here is to the north end of the DIRTY THIRTIES

Nothing this week but skinnier?

2010-06-26T20:08:00.006+04:00

Bugger, I didn't lose anything this week, but then I shouldn't really be surprised after the 2 bags of popcorn, butter and salt, plus I didn't eat as well as I have been for the past couple of weeks. I can noticed that my restriction is less, but not enough to warrant a fill. I just need to get back on track and eat a little lighter this week. I have done some cooking this weekend for my new blog and probably should choose some more band friendly recipes for a bit!
I took a bag of clothes to the tailor today, getting stuff altered seems to be the best thing at the moment, but I couldn't find the tailor in the mall, so I will take them to another near work during the week. While at the mall I popped into New Look as they were having a huge sale. I tried on some stuff, but just couldn't justify buying anything even though they were really cheap. Now that is a first for me, usually I am desperate for clothes and will buy buy buy! But everything was either to big (yay, that is a great feeling finally!) and I didn't want to buy anything smaller because my shape is changing. I tried on a pair of size UK 20 jeans and they fit fine, but they were super stretchy and I knew after 5 minutes they would sag on me AND I don't really need jeans during a 50+ summer! I know I am definitely an Aussie size 18 on my bottoms now. So I am going to put up with my baggy clothes a little longer, get some stuff taken in and then go shopping in a normal size store for bottoms...I am not far off!

We finished packing early and ended up having a half day on Thursday. I had intentions of going to the gym, but it was so bloody hot that the thought of working out was a big turn off....so my weekend has been spent inside on my couch, although I did go out for lunch with a friend to On the Border and only ate about 4 bites of my huge taco salad and I am now sitting here before bed at the end of the weekend and thinking I really should get off my arse and work out (in airconditioning!) at some point soon!
I am dreading unpacking all those boxes tomorrow....ho hum.....

Popcorn - the one food I can eat!

2010-06-23T11:05:00.006+04:00

Most foods have a limit with my band, whether it be a healthy food, bandfriendly food and even junk food and snacks have their limitation of the quantities that I can consume with my band. Although I have been tight the past 2 weeks and managing about 1/2 cup of food at a meal and usually nothing in between meals...and even PB's on that 1/2 cup of food, how the hell can I eat popcorn with no problems. I mean a "small" (ie very big) movie bucket size popcorn with lashings of butter and salt!

Last night, after attempting to eat my 1/2 cup of mince and bolagnese sauce without success I felt really hungry, but didn't know what to have as I had PB'd my mince....well I decided to pop a bag of corn with butter, went down perfectly and tasted like I was in heaven....and I am ashamed to admit I actually popped a second bag and ate that too! Um...I don't know where the idea came from, but I was enjoying it so much...but really a second bag? Geez, it was like a binge session (with no realy guilt).

Why no guilt after 2 bags? I don't know. I know popcorn is low calorie, but I don't know how many "servings" with lashings of salt and butter that I had (that has gotta have consequences!). Really, I don't care of the calorie intake today, because my calorie intake has been so low lately, but it's the FACT that I could eat that amount of popcorn!

POPCORN is the food I can eat regardless of what is going on with my band....and I know the consequences will hit me in a day or two (hopefully before weigh in on Friday!)

On the Move

2010-06-22T08:56:00.004+04:00

I am busy this week packing up 100's of boxes. Usually I would be excited about packing up and moving on...if it was me moving home! But alas it's not my time yet....our office is moving (just across the road) into a brand new building and well.....with that comes packing up files and papers and crap! I am trying to get my guys to cull their stuff, but they don't seem to want to part with papers that are 5 years+ old that they never refer to! It doesn't make my task it easy and remember I have 6 lawyers, plus 3 ex employees files to contend with.

My weight is holding steady and I just want to see at least those 200grams off by Friday (in fact...I wouldn't mind getting 700grams off which will bring me to 45.5kg (exactly 100pounds) Hopefully all the packing will help....but I am being extra careful with packing and definitely no lifting as my back is still tender.

Speaking of...my last session with the osteo was a good one...he doesn't need to see me again, unless I need it, but he did request I see the exercise physio to get a progam to help strengthen my weakened core muscles, as I am worried about doing something wrong at the gym on my own....Gym? What's that....I really haven't been going to the gym since I had my port fixed....um that was mid March! I really need to pull my finger out....seriously.....how could my mind set go from going to PT sessions twice a week to nothing and getting so lazy again. At least the weight has still been coming off, but I know that will slow down if I don't get moving....remember energy in/energy out....what my Doc calls the Energy Balance!

Where has the week gone?

2010-06-18T19:19:00.005+04:00

It's weigh in day again! The weeks are going so fast lately.
Another 1.1kgs down this week bringing me to 44.8kg....200grams off my goal for my birthday brunch (which is 3 days after my actual birthday). Doable! YES!
Still super tight and lots of pb's and sliming...hoping it eases off a little...I actually think I might be at my sweet spot and I am trying to eat to much (even though I am not really hungry), but the sliming and occassionally pb's hit my anywhere from 15 minutes to 30 minutes after eating. Maybe I am still eating to fast.

Anyway, something to focus on and work on.
I am staying inside most the day because it is in the high 40's (50 in the car!) with hot winds....it's only June and it getting this hot already...not sure what July and August are going to bring (they are the hottest months here!). phew!
Have a great weekend!

New adventures

2010-06-17T08:33:00.005+04:00

Okay, I was going to wait to tell you all my news. It's not that I was keeping it a secret or anything, just wanted to get it all organised and up and running before letting you know...is the suspense getting you yet?

OK, the cat is out of the bag because I accidentally commented on Sandy Lee's (http://rollercoasterdieting.blogspot.com/ ) post from my NEW BLOG site instead of this site!

I have always loved to write, but nothing like a novel or anything. As a kid I used to write little stories or scripts for skits and plays that I would act out to my family (and my grandma would video it, we have hours of me singing (badly), dancing (badly) and acting on the "stage"). Anyhoozle, I now write a travel blog (really just a journal of my adventures) and in the past I used to write a letter/gazette type thing to send home to all my family and friends when I was living overseas. It was full of stories and photos of what I was up to. A very dear family friend was an author, her books were awesome and she even used my name in one of them...sadly she passed away a few years ago... but one of the things she would always say to me was that I should write a book or something, as I had a unique style of writing, as if I was speaking to the person in everyday conversations, full of wit and humour and as you read you could really imagine me sitting there and talking with you (perhaps this is more because the people reading it really know who I am!) but the thing is she could see that I had something. Apart from writing up my travel blog, I have never really considered taking it further.

Until now.

Wanting to pursue this dream of cooking more, learning cooking techniques and sort of just feeding (no pun intended) my passion of travel, food, cooking and photography, I have decided (and thanks for some of the encouraging comments you have left regarding that post) to start a food blog where I can document the foods I have encountered while travelling, learning to cook, recipes that I try out and photography of the food. Basically anything food related. The Good and the Bad.

It's not going to be band friendly as such, although I will post the recipe here if it is band friendly, just like I have done in the past. It's a totally separate adventure to this lapband journey. It's a little project as I learn and discover.

If you are interested, you can find the new blog at www.roofood.blogspot.com. It's a work in progress. I haven't posted anything yet, except a welcome message. I will be working on it over the next few weeks to get it the way I want it to.

So there you have it, my news.....

When I was this weight..........

2010-06-16T08:52:00.003+04:00

Do you find that as you lose weight you refer to times in the past when you weighed the same weight, for instance "I haven't been this weight since [insert event or time]" or "Last time I weighed this weight I was [insert age]".

I am finding that I am doing this more and more, perhaps using it as an incentive and motiviation. My weight has fluctuated so much over the years there are plenty of times and places that I remember being a certain weight and can pinpoint certain events or places that I was in the world at specific weights.

Of course we all have memories, good and bad, that we can pinpoint, but to link it to weight is a bit of a concern. Just go to show how much I focused on my weight in every bit of my life and perhaps not focusing on the living it as much. Not that I missed out on it, just that I associate it with weight.

Not sure what I am going to pinpoint my weight to after then next loss of 10 kilos or so considering I haven't been that since I was under 20 (although my memory will surely remember some event !)

Still super tight this week, not sure what is going on, but PB'ing much more than I should. perhaps I am eating to fast to because I get hungry! I have had a few nights where my pouch hasn't emptied enough before sleep and found myself in difficulty, and sleeping sitting up a bit, not comfy by the way! It could be linked to monthly hormones, but I haven't really suffered like that since being banded...just going to keep watch on it....happy with the weight loss that is coming. Perhaps I really have found my sweet spot and eating to much food with it!

I have more news on my new venture, which, as you may have read from previous posts revolves around food and cooking and learning new cooking techniques and perhaps taking it a little further...I am thinking about blogging it all...so stay tuned!

Sweet Spot? If not, I am still happy.

2010-06-12T12:11:00.002+04:00

I was very happy to see 1.7kg loss on the scales this week. I wasn't expecting that but over the moon with it. I think I have found my sweet spot for at least awhile! I am well on my way to my next mini goal which was 45kg by my birthday.
It was also my monthly measurement day and was pleased with the results considering I haven't been exercising.

Neck: -1cm
Bust: -2cm
Hips: -3cm
Waist: -3cm
Thighs: -2cm (1 off each)
Calves: -1cm (.5 off each)
Total: -12cm
Grand total: 151cm (that's a metre and a half!)

I have been having computer problems again and the laptop is back in at the service centre, I am over paying far to much to have the same problem fixed, so yesterday I ended up buying a Samsung netbook to get me through the next few months or until I can afford a good computer.

So yesterday I spent the day playing with my new toy, unfortunately I am having sporadic internet issues and need to take in my server and the netbook into work tomorrow to see if my IT guy can help me resolve the issue.

This morning I headed to a charity event that I support here. They were having a book/DVD sale and I ended up buying 19 books and 1 DVD. Awesome reads for the summer. It's frying here today!

DO NOT EAT NUTS BEFORE SLEEP

2010-06-09T13:45:00.005+04:00

and you can all take your mind out of the gutter before making a comment! Half my luck if that was the case! LOL.

Last night I went out to dinner with a friend (a lapbander who doesn't blog) and it was great to catch up with her and we indulged in 2 small dishes at an asian restaurant.
We orderd the crispy tofu with black bean sauce and a claypot of fish and tofu with a mild chilli sauce. Perfect portion sizes for bandsters and to share. I managed 2 pieces of the tofu and a bite of the fish/tofu claypot...she managed the same! I PB'd, she was good and didn't! So I bought home the doggy back and had lunch from it and probably dinner tonight off it. No more than 3 mouthfuls per meal.

Later during the evening, I was watching a bit of telly before bed and decided to have a small handful of nuts. No problems...until about 2 hours after I fell asleep and I basically PB'd in my sleep. I woke up and it was up in my mouth. I raced to the toilet and brought it up, but the stuck feeling was there and worse when I laid down, so I ended up sleeping most the night half sitting up propped up on pillows.

This is not the first time I have had issues with food makings it's way back up during sleep, but definitely the worst...NUTS! So I warn you don't eat nuts before going to bed....unless of course they are of the male variety!

New appreciation for cooking!

2010-06-08T13:44:00.012+04:00

It's a known fact. I am A FOODIE! Always have been and always will be.

I come from a line of women who self promote themselves as not being the best cooks or don't enjoy cooking, but the food that was put on our table growing up was always tasty , simple family style meals and quick and easy.

My mum was not a baker and we rarely ate desserts. She rarely slaved over a stove for hours at a time (except for Christmas). She would scour cookbooks and recipes etc and occassionaly make something from them and of course throw together a great meal with whatever was in the fridge (hey what mum's can't do that!), but nothing lives up to her baked dinners THEY ARE THE BEST! but I never really learnt to cook or bake properly (although mum did teach me to make great gravy and mashed potatoes!) alot of it came from trial and error sometimes success and sometimes not so much success.

When I headed off overseas I started taking a little more notice (first time I was cooking for myself on a daily basis) and realised I had a passion for food and cooking. Travelling the world I got to taste many foods from many different nationalities and regions within those countries and my palette developed, along with my keen interested in foreign food. Also, being an amateur photographer (mainly from travelling) I also developed an obssession of photographing food, markets and cooking. However, I still relied on quick simple foods, take away or eating out, because it was easier and faster to get the food in when I was hungry (see why I ended up with a weight problem? LOL)

I have been known to throw some great dinner parties with a theme (from whatever country I am in the mood for making) and I make everything from the nibbles and drinks to dessert/coffee around the theme. Lebanese and Thai are two that stand out the most.

Back home, I went to most of the food festivals and definitely the Food and Wine show. (this is one thing I miss from home, the regular festivals and events - nothing like that here in the GCC!) and I also did a few cooking courses and I am making a list of more to do once I return home.

You may also remember that I have mentioned that I am a cookbook whore! I love to read the recipes and look at the photography of the dish, but still rarely cooking anything to elaborate. I have so many cookbooks, but being on my own I don't cook from them to much as I always end up with to much food (particularly now I am banded!)

I am also addicted to cooking shows (do you see a theme appearing here with food/cooking addiction) and at the moment can't wait to get home to watch Masterchef Australia! I am also watching Top Chef, Hells Kitchen and the like. Since Masterchef Australia started I have really learnt alot about techniques and cooking methods and I am becoming more interested!

I purchased Stephanie Alexander's "The Cook's Companion" for every Australian kitchen and I love it. So lately, I have been going through all my cookbooks and selecting recipes that I really want to have a go at, some are band friendly, some are not band friendly, some will test my skills, and some are just simple delicious basic cooking. But I want to learn. How to prepare and cook simple sauces, making stocks, different types of dough and pastry, learning to cut a chicken down, stuff and roll a lamb roast, how to make a tart or pizza dough and learning the names and techniques. The list goes on..............

I have even looked at culinary school (remember my post a few days ago regarding not knowing what I wanted in life ). Culinary school is super expensive and I certainly don't want to take an apprenticeship for four years because there is no way I could live off the income), but I do want to learn more about food and cooking. Who know's where it might lead. UPDATE: I just received a comment on this post regarding food blogging and yes that is on the cards to, something I have been thinking about, where I can merge food and photography together...there are plenty of food blogs that I read and my favourite is http://www.foodgawker.com/.

Onto to other things: After much need soul searching this weekend, I am seeing things a little clearer and realise that I don't need everything mapped out for me. Scary but perhaps part of the journey? All I know is that I am going home, doing a trip to China on the way home and I can't wait to get home. I need my home where my family and friends are. I realise I can't do everything on my own and I am only alienating myself from them, the people that care about me most in the world. In fact I need to feel their arms wrapped around me, their warmth, their touch and their love. As my mum reminded me....I have only been in arms reach for 4 years out of the past 13 years...that's along time between hugs!

BYOC - It's a first for me!

2010-06-05T09:06:00.003+04:00

Well, hell i am feeling a little better today after a very emotionally stressed day yesterday. After my blog I spoke/cried with my mum for an hour on the phone (who cares what my phone bill will be, it was healthy for my soul searching weekend!). Many things were discussed, put into perspective and things resolved. I felt much better after speaking with her.

I want to thank you girls for all your wonderful supportive comments and some playing devils advocate (which I do alot giving advice to others!). Many of your comments was resonated in my conversation with my mum. And the bottom line is I am not happy here, so I might as well go home and be unhappy there but at least I have my family around me! LOL! No seriously, there was much more to it, and I think I will stick with my original plan and deal with the lack of finances when I get home (I know truly in my heart that I want to be back there!). As for the career, no change there yet, but I don't need to make decisions on that just yet.

OK onto the BYOC, my first one! So here goes.
1. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

I have been lucky enough to live in other countries, Sydney, Australia (which is my real home); London, UK; Dublin, Ireland; Toronto, Canada; Dubai, UAE. I would return to most of those cities to live again, but I would love to live in the US. NY? Chicago? Miami? Somewhere in the South?

2. How old were you when you got drunk for the first time?

15 years old (and if you have read past posts you will know how that turned out). It didn't stop me drinking however, sometimes I still haven't learnt my lesson. To this day I still cannot stand the smell of Southern Comfort. I used to work behind a bar in London and if a customer asked for it I had to get another barmaid to pour it for me or if I was on my own ask the customer to come around behind the bar and pour it himself! LOL

3. What was your favourite toy growing up?

You know I don't think I really had one. I wasn't into to girly things like dolls etc (although I did have a couple of barbies and a Cabbage Patch Kid (which I got when I was 11) and I loved her. Her name was Lucy Hilary. I was more of a tom boy, riding bikes, swimming, getting dirty..I also did drawings, wrote little stories and read.

4. What's your favourite season and why?

Definitely a summer girl, love the beach, sun, surf, BBQ and listening to the cicadas in the evenings. But there are elements of each season I enjoy to. I like to rug up against the cold in winter, autumn I like the crispness in the air and the occasion rainy day. Spring when the flowers start to bloom and the smell of freshly mown grass. However, summer here in Dubai is horrendous and I much prefer the "winter months". Summer here is 50+ degrees, dry and freakin miserable!

5. Which blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with most this week?

Sally from ramblings from the other side for her post on Therapy, for speaking up about her past and how she is dealing with those issues that arise. I can totally relate to some of the things that she is dealing with - like being put on a diet at the age of 8 and how that affects our self image.

Also, Draz for her and Jen's vlog and putting herself out there finally! Proud that you finally put ya face out there!

That old feeling..will it return?

2010-06-04T08:26:00.007+04:00

When I got to my highest weight, all I thought about was wanting that feeling that I had when I was 105-110kg (this was 10 years ago after losing just under 20 kilos and living it up in Ireland). This was the lowest weight I had been in many years and I was looking good, feeling fit and happy and basically living it up. Still overweight but definitely on the right path.

Fastforward 10 years, I really thought that after losing 42 kilos (oh yes that is what I was on the scales this morning, down another kilo) I would start to feel the same way I did 10 years ago. I am only about 5 kilos off this range and have lost a hell of alot more than I did back on that diet.

But I don't! I don't feel like I am bouncing and happy and full of energy. Perhaps it's because I am 10 years older..but heck I am only 35 (turning 36 in 3 weeks)...I shouldn't still feel like an old unhappy hag. But I do!

As my body changes and my mind changes along with it, I really thought that things that I obsessessed about or stressed about or thought about so much at my biggest would change as I changed, but I find that I still obsess and stress and think about the same issues. They aren't major or even that important, but this week I find that I am searching for something and I can't quite put my finger on it....you know you feel lost about something, but not sure what you want.

That's what I am doing. I need to do some soul searching. Work out what I want in my life. I thought I had the next 12 months planned out, I had made the decision to return home and lay down some roots, I was very happy with that decision, I told my family and friends who are very excited about the prospect of me actually returning. In the past my plans have changed so often that no one was really certain that I would follow through with plans knowing that things would change. But I was adamant with these plans. The past week I have started rethinking those plans, I am not sure why, I am ready to go home, so what is making me think this. Unfortunately, I have verbalised this to my family and I know they are disappointed (again) about it. I know I have to do what is right for me, but I can't shake the emotions that come with disappointing others. I think I may still be hiding away and scared about what I will face at home. I have felt unsettled there for so long, mainly because I wanted to travel the world, but now when I am really ready to go, am I looking for the excuses to not actually go home? and why?
I feel like I need a change in my life. I am bored with office work, but I don't really know what else I want to do. I am interested in a few things, but it would take years of study, but that takes alot of money (something I don't have and of course by staying here longer that would help, but disappoint my family and friends (again!)) and time. I don't particularly want to study for 4 years with little to no income and starting out at the bottom of a new profession, but I need to find something that I am happy with.

Can you see a pattern here....thinking about myself and my wants and needs versus disappointing people over and over again. I don't want people to be disppointed in me. It hurts.
So soul searching is on the agenda for this weekend. I hate feeling lost without a map!

On other news, my back is feeling much better today after a session with the osteo. He wants me to do some walking over the next couple of days to help loosen me up and I see him again on Sunday. It's bloody hot outside, 34 degrees and it's only 9am! I think I'll go for a walk much later in the evening!

Flat out on my back....and weird BM's (TMI?)

2010-06-02T19:09:00.003+04:00

Firstly, I gotta ask myself "when will I feel on top of the world again"? After last week's flu type symptoms and feeling crappy for 5 days, this week I have hurt my back and been off work for 2 days. Today I went to the osteo for a session and he thinks it's the same problem as I had 3 months ago with the same joint. So I have booked in for a few sessions with him over the next week. Unfortunately every time I hurt my back (as with most people) you lose all your core stability and I have to start over again building them back up. Perhaps Pilate's is on the cards?

As for the weird bowel movements, this might be a little bit more information than you need to know , and if you don't want to continue reading this paragraph I will understand, but the question is can you be constipated and have loose pooh at the same time? This might be an odd question, but the last few days I have been a bit clogged up and today I had a lot of pain in my tummy and managed to go to the toilet, it wasn't easy..I am sure we can all relate to having constipation (since being banded), then all of a sudden I had more pain and next thing I had a diarrhea attack all in the same toilet session. WTF?
Do you think it was just a blockage and everything else was building up? Or what? I am baffled, and if anybody else has had such a problem I would like to know (sorry for such detailed wordings but this has never happened before).

Not sure how my weight is going this week, sort of hovering around the same weight, however today's toilet session may help with a small weightloss this week? Friday will tell....

Slow Week

2010-05-29T11:35:00.004+04:00

It's been a slow week this week. Plodding along at work. Feeling quite bored actually with everything this week. Alot of it has to do with feeling unwell. I feel like I am getting the flu, but it's not really taking hold. Just really tired, a bad headache, aching body, cold sweats and sore throat but not really taking hold and knocking me down...which is of course a good thing, but going on like this for over 5 days is even worse....dragging on.

This might be why I have had a few days of being very tight with my band. Because I have felt this way I have been trying to eat foods that I am craving but not so band friendly again! grrrrrrrrrrrr! And yesterday there was no weight loss shown on the scale, which was a little disappointing.

This morning I was feeling a little better and decided to go to the gym and do some light exercise, just to see if it would help me a little, nothing strenous just to have a little uplift. I would have just gone for a walk but it's 42 degrees today (that's celcius!). It's this hot everyday now and it's not quite "summer" yet.

So this week I need to concentrate on getting back on track and doing some light exercise. So here's to another week.

Super Duper tight

2010-05-23T20:01:00.003+04:00

The past 2 days I have been super duper tight. I have also been eating unfriendly food, things like steak and chicken which I am not doing well with, which has caused a few PB's...and I am only eating a few mouthfuls. I need to go back to doing liquids and mushies for a day or 2 and see how I go. I really think that this fill 2 weeks ago has finally kicked in.....
I just hope I am not overfilled again!
This band is such a challenge sometimes.

Mind Changes - it's not just in your head

2010-05-21T12:32:00.008+04:00

Where have I been all week? I have been here...lurking in the background, reading everyones blogs, but haven't really had much to say myself. I have been revelling in my goals that I have met this week. I still can't get over it and I am very happy this week.

Weigh in day this morning and I am down another kilo...41 kilos 39 to go...less than half way now! Yippee!

This week I have noticed big changes in the way I think about food, weight and my body image...this is a HUGE NSV for me. I think it is a combination of weight loss, actually finally seeing the changes in my body (and particularly in my face) and feeling that working with the band instead of against it is working for me (who would have thought LOL!)...meaning that I am eating only until satisfied, choosing the right types of protein and foods to be gentle on the band and not eating rubbish that is no good for nutrition...also not forcing the food in until I PB (which in effect is sort of like bingeing and hence the mind games it plays with you!).

I have been reading this book on and off over the past few months...I sort of read a few pages and then put it down for a bit, but finding I am going back to it more often. I think it has helped me deal with the head space and emotions and to really take notice on what is going into my body and portion control. The book is called "Mindless*Eating" by Brian Wansink and I definitely recommend it to anybody that is interested in why we overeat or mindlessly eat! (and it's not always habit or emotions!) Definitely giving me some more tools to use in this journey.

9 Month Bandiversary VLOG and a Major Goal - 40 Kilos!

2010-05-15T22:52:00.007+04:00

I did it!

Before and Half Way

Left: 3 weeks before surgery. Right: 40 kilos down and 9 month Bandiversary

Feeling Sexy and Feminine

Recipe: Soft Tofu with Chilli and Spring Onion

2010-05-14T16:07:00.001+04:00

2 posts in one day!

This recipe takes 5 minutes to prepare and is super band friendly, however it does have a fair bit of oil in it (and I used less than the recipe), which I drained off and didn't eat all the "sauce" once the dish was complete.

Ingredients - serves 4

250g of soft (silken) tofu, drained
2 spring onions (scallions) sliced
1 red chilli, thinly sliced
2 tables of coriander, chopped
2 tablespoons of soy sauce
1 tspn of sesame oil
80ml (1/3 cup) of vegetable oil - I only used 40ml

Method

Cut tofu into cubes and place on a heat proof plate (with an edge so no spills) or a bowl
Scatter spring onions, chilli, coriander and soy sauce over the tofu.
Put the oils in a pan and heat until just smoking
Pour oil over the top of the tofu/toppings (be careful as the oil will make the topping and tofu sizzle and may splatter).

NOTE: tofu will not heat through from the oil, sauce goes cool quite fast, if you want it hot, gently heat tofu through before pouring the oil over the top.

As mentioned I ate the tofu and toppings with a small amount of the sauce...left most of the oil!
Enjoy

So close to that next goal!

2010-05-14T09:05:00.000+04:00

Today I am feeling great. Back to having great restriction and the fill is settling in nicely, hopefully this will be my green zone within the week (still quite tight from the fill). Those bloody 3 kgs that I saw on the scales during the week are gone and I am down officially another 1.5kg's which brings me to 39.7kg total. It's a shame I couldn't get those last 300grams off as that would have brought me to half way in 9 months (9 month Bandiversary is tomorrow!). I did try, I went back to sleep for a bit, I went to the toilet for a bm, but alas, it didn't budge lower.

But you know what I am not disappointed. This time last week I really felt that things were going backwards and was getting desperate. So, today is a happy day and hopefully I will see that major goal met next week.

Today was also measurement day and wow what great results...considering I haven't really been exercising.

Stats are:

Neck: 0cm
Bust: -1cm
Hips: -3cm
Waist: - 1cm
Thigh: - 2cm (1cm on each thigh)
Calf: -2 cm (1cm on each thigh)
Arm: - 2cm (1cm on each thigh)
Total: = 11cm
Grand Total: 139cm

This morning I was up early and decided to do some cooking today. I have searched my cookbooks for some very bandfriendly recipes with good protein that will get down. Silken Tofu with asian topping is what's on the agenda this morning (recipe to follow).

Have a great weekend all!

One more photo from the weekend

2010-05-13T08:57:00.000+04:00

Here is one more photo from last weekend. Before you get in the lift of the Burj you have a professional photo taken and they superimpose it on the view from the Burj at night (a bit different while we were there at 11am!). I usually don't buy professional photos very often, because they are usually expensive and are a tacky tourist photo and this one was no exception, but at the last minute just before they were going to throw it out I decided what the hell...I liked it...I was mucking around doing the "modelling" shot and it turned out ok.

My weight was down those pesky 3kg's this morning and a little more...so I am hopeful to see a result on the scale tomorrow. I have had a few episodes the past 2 days with keeping small amounts of food in me and I am super tight, but not like I was when I was overfilled. I am hoping it is just the new fill settling in and in the next few days I will be able to eat normally (for a bandster) again.

No more fluroscopy for a fill! Now that is an NSV!

2010-05-11T10:29:00.000+04:00

I went and saw my doc last night. I told him about the amount of food I could eat and that I was constantly hungry and I was a bottomless pit and that I had gained weight...he had no problem with giving me a fill but he was a little concerned that if the weight doesn't come down in the next 2 weeks he is going to send me in for an exploratory procedure to see if my pouch is distended and also a Endocronologist because of the carbs and spiked blood sugar, because once it spikes you start craving carbs more and it gets higher (he mentioned testing for diabetes)...If the weight does not start to come down by Sunday or I am still able to eat alot, he will give me another small fill and then also send me to see the other specialists. I am pretty sure it's just overindulgence and little restriction, but I do have it all in the back of my mind.

So I get on the table ready to get my fill, thinking I am heading to Xray any minute because we have never been able to do a fill without Xray...SURPRISE the needle went in after some pushing and he was in the port! First time....and he mentioned that should be motivation enough! To finally be able to do a fill without Xray is awesome because it will save me some money! I pay for my appointment and Xray every fill, so it adds up!

I also told him about the BOOBs weekend and he is very impressed! But he mentioned he didn't want me to come back 5 kilos heavier! I also mentioned that I was going to DisneyWorld for 2 weeks following the BOOBs weekend (which I think is where I may put on, need to be careful there)

He actually emptied my band to check my level and then put in .5ml taking me to 7ml. Now I know I was overfilled only a month ago and he took out .5ml, but he thinks that he really did put to much in at one go and that is why I couldn't cope with the fill. He thinks I will be ok this time. I am on liquids today and my scales were already down 1.5 kgs this morning...so I am happy with that. Just going to take it very easy this week on the food intake, liquids and mushies until I know my band can cope with the fill.

I am so close to that 40kilo loss mark (which is also half way) that I can taste it and it started to get away from me again...I can't wait until Friday's offical weigh in!

View from the top!

2010-05-09T16:20:00.001+04:00

OK, so I couldn't wait until tomorrow, so two posts in one day! As mentioned, I had a great weekend. Firstly, starting on Thursday night at a White Party Fundraising Event to help build a school in the East Timorese jungle. It was a sucessful night and I managed to keep all my white clothes clean! It was an awesome night bumping into people that I haven't seen in 9 months (or longer) and they all mentioned how good I was looking...I ended up telling a few people about my band...I figure I have finally gotten over the secret..pretty positive comments to.

I ended up after a few wines, bidding on the silent auction for a beautiful hand woven throw made by the local East Timorese women in a burnt orange and black (if I recall correctly). I won the bid and as I didn't have the money on me to pay on the night I have yet to pay and pick it up...I am good for it, luckly knowing the event organisers! I will get it during the week and will post a photo. I love it....and the money goes to a great cause.

Me posing a new look....I don't think it works!

Now, the reason I am imposing the alcohol free month, is because I got a little silly on Thursday night. I didn't eat anything at all (I was worried about getting stuck at the party with over 150 people...who was I kidding) and when I got home at 2.30 I decided that I was going to bake a piece of fish in the oven (don't ask me how I lit the gas oven)...I went to watch some telly while I was waiting for my food...I was STARVING...at 4.30am (some 2 hours later) something woke me up....thankfully! The smell of burning fish was overwelhming as I grabbed the tray out of the oven looking at a very charred piece of dry fish...I had passed out and forgot the oven....I am so ashamed, I have never done anything like this before and it scared the hell out of me. That is why I am cutting back big time....

The following morning I got up (after my 4.5hour coma, remember I previously mentioned that I can't sleep much more than 4 hours or so after drinking) to visit the tallest building in the world the Burj Khalifa (formerly known as Burj Dubai). I met my friends, in my hungover state, to make our way up the 124 floors to the observation tower. It's called Top of the Burj, but it's not on the top...only about 2/3 up! I was feeling kinda of quesy being that high up, but I am sure it was not from the height!

Looking down on a minature sandy Dubai was amazing. We were lucky to have a pretty clear day. Here are the views of Dubai. See I live in a town that is basically growing out of the desert...see all that sand...I would really love to feel some wet grass under foot soon.

Burj Khalifa, tallest building in the world

Me at the top (well 124th floor)

View of Dubai

View of Address Hotel, Souk Al Bahar and the Fountains (and part of Dubai Mall the biggest shopping centre!)

And that was my weekend in the desert!

Putting on weight and no restriction

2010-05-09T15:16:00.000+04:00

What I dreaded on the scales on Friday was in deed real and brought me back to reality...I can hoover up to much food and there is nothing that gets stuck. I have come to far to start putting on weight, so I have pulled in my ears and getting back on track. I am sick of eating (and always being hungry) and I am sick of constantly thinking of where my next meal is coming from so I have also made an appointment for another small fill to take the edge off. I have also placed a ban on alcohol for at least a month...the past two Thursday nights have basically wiped the rest of my weekend clear with recovery and I want to do more with my free time than lazing on the couch hurting!

I am not going to update my ticker. I am not going to count the gain (just yet), I will give myself a good week to see what I can do.....

On saying that I did have a great weekend and I will post tomorrow all about it..stay tuned.

I had a heart attack on the scales this morning!

2010-05-06T10:19:00.000+04:00

I couldn't believe it when I got on the scales this morning, my weight is up nearly 3 kgs...WTF? I know I have had a bad week, but this is HUGE....definitely time to book in next week for a fill and get Kiki working good again....I am very disheartened by this today...and I know it won't be any better tomorrow on official weigh in day...boo hoo!

I am hungry, mergers and travel plans (so much stuff going on!)

2010-05-05T09:03:00.000+04:00

I am having on of those weeks where I am hungry all the time! I know part of it is head hunger and stress eating but alot of it is because I think I need a fill. I only had .5ml taken out just over 3 weeks ago, but I truly believe that I need another small fill, perhaps not .5ml (when I was choking on my own spit), but perhaps .2 or .3ml. My scales have jumped up 1.5 kgs in the past 4 days (yes I know I had a huge weekend of eating and drinking (and recovering = hangover foods) but I have tried to curb the eating, but it doesn't seem to be going well....I don't want to gain weight! I think I will make an appointment for next week...

On top of all this I have been stressed at work. We are going through a huge changes with a merger and I was disappointed that all my hard work has not been recognised (oh I should say it's been noted and appreciated) but I would have liked a small pay rise or at least a bonus. I don't think it's coming any time soon, which is disheartening.

The past 3 days I have been in a real funk, where I just want to hide under a rock away from it all (and that is for others benefit!)...I feel grumpy and unsocialable....I hate when I feel like this. I have been lazy and not working out AT ALL! I need a break, a day off or a weekend away.

I am going to a charity night on Thursday night and it is a White Party, strictly white clothing...a fat girl doesn't look great in ALL white, but I have managed to put together an outfit that will suffice and the event is for a great cause.....to help fund schools in East Timor.....there will be lots of people there that I haven't seen since before banding and I am looking forward to it. Then on Friday I am going up the tallest building in the world to check out the views. There will be lots of photos!

Also, I booked my flights yesterday for Chicago. I am arriving the morning of the Thursday, meeting up with Sally (we are sharing a room) and whoever else is around then (if you are, let me know!) and checking out the Windy City.

anyway, better go and do some work, my desk is piled high....sigh!

When going for 1 ended up being a 4am!

2010-04-30T13:24:00.000+04:00

I am suffering today with the worst hangover I have had since being banded! I went to a farewell party last night for someone at work. I was only going for 1 as I didn't want to have a big night before weigh in day.....so I don't know at what point that 1 became a few and then going to meet a friend who is leaving on Monday to go home at my favourite dodgy bar and getting home at 3.30am.

I had a great night but I was.....let's so.......quite messy....I was drinking white wine and that is the killer for me....on top of that I hadn't eaten dinner and so decided to grab something as I was leaving the pub (they do hotdogs, burgers and doner kebabs). I couldn't decide what I wanted in my drunken haze and ended up buying a chicken burger AND a hotdog...something I really knew I wouldn't be able to eat, but my head was definitely thinking preband drunken feeding frenzy!

I at least waited to get home before I tried to eat it...because I didn't want to get it stuck in the taxi. I took one bite of the dog (just the sausage) and 1 bite of the chicken pattie on the burger and stuck! What was I thinking...PB's at 4.00am after drinking is not, I repeat not a pretty sight.

Of course I have only had 4 hours sleep (the usual I get after drinking)..I call it the 4 hour coma! and I am paying for it today....super tight, head pounding like a jackhammer and feeling bleh.....I did weigh in this morning losing 1kg bringing me to a total of 38.2kgs, but I think it is more dehydration than real fat loss, but I am going to take it and have a good week this week to compensate....

The major thing I regret, but sort of relieved at the same time to, is that I outed myself to some work colleagues about my band...something I had not intended to do....but I get quite chatty after a few wines....they were both very positive about it and one actually said she had suspected when she had witnessed the amount of food I actually eat....so I know now that everyone will know because they won't keep it a secret....I may REALLY regret that I have told them come Sunday back in the office, but I have got to the point where I am okay with people knowing that I have had weight loss surgery, because I know I am really going to lose the weight for good this time...and it's okay for someone like myself to have to help with battling the bulge.

Has anybody else unintentionally outed themselves and regretted it?

Cockie Killer!

2010-04-28T18:02:00.001+04:00

I have a new signature...with a bit of flair.....

What a day, it's been busy again this week and I really just want a break..today I am all over the place. I have caught myself just staring into space and sort of dithering around and not really doing anything constructive....I hate when I have days like that.

And I have been invested with cockroaches at home (which by the way is my worst fear, I have a real phobia) and I have been battling to keep them under control (or get rid of them completely would be better), well this morning I opened up my bed side table (one I don't use often) and well.....I think I found the nest....needless to say, armed with large can of spray I killed that mummy cockroach and a few babies along with her....but tonight I have to go clean the drawers out properly... I really hope this is the only nest....I will be wearing kitchen gloves, spray and a pair of tongs....along with copious amounts of paper towel.....I am FREAKING OUT!

I decided to do shakes today to try and get my weight moving (because this week has been atrocious!), I don't have alot of restriction (although you wouldn't know it when I PB'd at lunch with a fellow bandster yesterday!) and I am not really sure if I should be going in for a tweak of a fill...it's only been 2 weeks since he took some out (but putting me roughly back to what I was before India)...I don't want to put on weight...(:

Anyway, tomorrow is the last day of the working week and I am so looking forward to doing nothing over the weekend...(apart from cleaning!)

My Room of 6 (well actually there is more!)

2010-04-27T14:29:00.001+04:00

I was sent the below in an email today. OK, I couldn't decide on 6 women, so I am putting it out to all of you! It's the quote that really got me to post this....

and I just got back from lunch with Andrew (from Big Daddy), we had a lovely catch up over sushi/sashimi and there was only one PB between us (from me!) LOL...thanks for a lovely lunch Andrew!

Anywhoozle.....here is the email......

My room of 6.

I am supposed to pick 6 women who have touched my life and who I think might participate.

I think that if this group of women were ever to be in a room together, there is nothing that would be impossible.

I hope I chose the right six...

Remember to make a wish before you read the quotation.. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached.

Just send this to six women and let me know what happens on the fourth day.

Sorry you have to forward the message, but try not to break this, please.

Did you make a wish yet? If you don't make a wish, it won't come true.

This is your last chance to make a wish!

"May today there be peace within.

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.

May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content with yourself just the way you are.

Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us."

Now, send this to 6 women or more within the next 5 minutes. And remember to send this back. I count as 1... you'll see why.

Have a great day!